You're a black man who wants to comply with police, but sometimes they just refuse to take "Yes, please, yes. It hurts! I give up!" for an answer. Remember: police are human beings, not robots, not for at least five or six more years when, god willing, the Chinese finally put a stop to all this. Police may be armed and authorized to use deadly force and trained to treat everyone they interact with as a threat that needs to be neutralized, but they are just like everyone else in the community over the bridge in the nicer part of town where they live. Our tips will help you communicate your surrender to police officers with minimal risk to yourself.
Wear a t-shirt that says "I GIVE UP" on the front and on the back print a photograph of a white man with a speech bubble saying, "This guy gives up."
Exit every room or car wearing your own pair of handcuffs with a large sign attached that says "HANDCUFFS ARE NOT A GUN" and another sign attached to that sign alerting officers to the fact that "SIGN IS NOT A GUN"
Inform the arresting officers of your special medical needs in advance of the arrest such as needing oxygen to live. A medical alert bracelet or necklace reading "I NEED AIR TO LIVE" can be helpful but avoid medical tattoos that can be easily mistaken for crime gang tattoos.
Do not bulk up into your demon form when you are shot. You should never reveal your demon form to a police officer. When shot, crumple immediately to the ground and pretend to be dead. If the officers believe you are dead they will lose interest and stop attacking.
Draw the officer's attention to a flashing gem or orb that he might mistake for your weak spot and concentrate his attacks, when it is actually your strongest spot.
Try incorporating yourself. You will need to form a C Corporation to create a distinct legal entity which is impossible to shoot or arrest and actually indemnifies all employees against criminal liability.
Pretend you are an alien. If you are lucky, the police will call in the army to surround you and wait for a scientist with a megaphone to try communicating with you. Be sure that after you surrender to the scientist you don't sign any papers about a syphilis study in aliens.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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