I don't want there to be misunderstandings based on my profile that you might have seen online. I am not THE Thing. I did not come here to this planet on a crashed spaceship, nor do I devour humans and other animals and assume their forms. I can devour hot dogs and I will gradually assume the form of an overweight human, but this is not anything special.
You can detect me based on my blood, which will usually only come out of me when I am screaming. You don't have to stick a hot piece of metal in my blood or use an aquarium test kit or whatever. It's just me. That's my blood. My Thing blood.
Yes, I am related to THE Thing. No, I don't know what's up with him. We haven't talked in several thousand years and I am mostly concerned with my sand art. I do bird landscapes. Flocks of ducks. Murders of crows. That sort of thing. Only a temporary medium like sand can capture a landscape as fleeting as a flock of birds.
I guess I should probably get all of my Thing-related info out of the way before I delve into my hobbies. It's only fair to you. I know we both said "no games" in our profile so the only way this is going to work for us is if we're totally upfront about everything. You said something about money issues. That's good. I hope it's not too bad. Like student debt and some credit cards? Okay, let me go.
I eat dogs.
I grow a couple jaws out of my belly, huge teeth, and I snap the dogs up. It's a whole thing. Believe me, I'm not going to be doing it on a date or anything. It's something I do in the privacy of my own home. Dogs don't even taste very good, but if I eat one then I can turn into a flesh my nightmare and split my head in half and make a big, drippy tongue come out with my eyeballs on stalks. I can grow extra heads and sort of slither around like I don't know how to walk. Pretty cool, right?
Alright, you go. Intimacy issues? That's good. Me too. Definite intimacy issues. For example, I lack all empathy because I can absorb the thoughts and memories of any living thing I eat. You would think it would make me more empathic, but once you don't have to work for understanding it sort of makes you want to eat everyone.
Which, like I said, I don't do. Definitely do not eat people. Ever.
Yes, I am from space. But don't picture Star Wars or something fun like that. Space is big time boring. That's why I came here.
Natural form? I'd like to think this is who I am, but if you mean when I am badly injured, what form do I revert to, then I have to say it's meat cone. Yeah, sort of like a gyro spindle, only with eyes on stalks and lots of teeth. That's what I'm comfortable with.
No, really, I guess that's it. Do you still want to go to the movie with me? Oh, and before I forget, do you happen to have a dog or know where I can get one that won't be missed?
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.