From my throne of keyboards I survey all of technology with a bemused expression upon my avatar's face. Before me the digital past, present, and future are laid out in badass Matrix code, all green and rainy.
This is my job. Lowtax forks over a mere six figure salary, and in return I ensure Something Awful remains at the forefront of tech, a website synonymous with changing its identity at a moment's notice to chase after and capitalize upon the latest trends.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all.
Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
For you this is a breathtaking landscape of dreams and infinite possibilities. For me it is everyday life.
Every epoch of the internet has been informed by a single concept. First it was pages. Then it was frames. Then "Likes". Mark my words, the next stage of the internet will revolve around information.
In a few short months the term "information" will be used everywhere. People will wonder where the information can be found on the internet. They will transfer information from one computer to another. There will even be concerns about how much information is too much, and about private information.
When you download information, I predict that it will even take the form of text or binary code, which can be processed like a program.
The sudden focus on information will change the way we look at the internet for years to come. We will begin to see the internet as a place with lots of information. You can quote me on that.
The once-popular branch of entertainment known as pornography will continue to decline as people use technology to better their lives in meaningful ways.
Think about all the startups that exist. All the websites. All the apps. The billions of dollars tech companies are paying to scoop up smaller companies. This means they are producing something of tremendous tangible value, unlike the people who create content on these platforms and get paid next to nothing.
This means we're moving forward and leading better lives, with no room for porn. By the end of next year there will only be one pornographic website remaining, a Patreon-supported blog portraying naked Simpsons characters modeled in Poser 3D.
Hackers will develop frightening new techniques and practically hold the world hostage with their malicious subroutines.
One such worm will install a physical DVD drive in your computer, then make the tray pop open at random. The only solution will be for us as a society to completely abandon all hardware (including screens, keyboards, mice, and touchscreens) and do all of our computing on The Cloud.
Ten years ago the video game "experts" said there would only be one console in the generation following the Playstation 2 and Xbox.
Five years ago these same "experts" claimed that the future of all games would be purely mobile, with everyone giving up on their televisions for incredibly rich and superior experiences on smart phones.
Every few years these "experts" say that PC gaming is dead.
Now they claim that virtual reality is doomed.
As usual, they are 100% correct. Not because Oculus seems more concerned with eliminating competition than providing an inviting platform, or because there won't be enough software to justify the hardware. Virtual reality is actually on track to become a modest success along the lines of PC flight sticks in their heyday.
The problem is that these devices are much more dangerous than anyone anticipated. Consider room-scale virtual reality, where users actually walk around while wearing VR headsets. More than 32% of users will fall into wood chippers in their living rooms. Of those VR users who don't use room-scale, and instead opt for a seated experience, 55% will roll their chairs into open furnaces in their bedrooms.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.