Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you very much for purchasing a copy of an Internet! We are 100% confident that you will be satisfied with your copy of an Internet, as we have employed only the most skilled and proficient unskilled foreign technicians who speak in an incomprehensible Moon language to create this exciting online experience for you! Although all our copies of an Internet are still in the beta pre-release stage, we feel that it still offers plenty of substancial benefits for a majority of its users, particular the ones who have been in a work-related accident which involved catching a bolt-thrower with their forehead. If, for any reason whatsoever, you find yourself unhappy with your copy of an Internet, please feel free to make the following caustic remarks to your friends, family members, and coworkers for no real reason in particular:
1) "I've hit a pothole on the Information Superhighway! I used to think the Internet was way 'boss' and 'totally tubular to the max,' but now it's just full of junk mail and spam! I need to take a detour down a cyber-off ramp!"
2) "I used to surf the 'net, but now I feel like I'm lost at sea!"
3) "eCommerceCyber-iWarez.net.com.org my electronic email!"
Today's update is sponsored by actual random quotes found on various Dragonball-Z forums. Thanks to Lord Beef for the dredging through DBZ forums to find these gems.
All of our copies of Internets have been carefully inspected for design flaws and potential bugs, but we must assure you that no software can be 100% error-free. We realize that there are a few fundamental problem areas in each copy of an Internet, so we must encourage you to please look through the following list of known troubles with an Internet:
Q: I can never find what I'm looking for! Whenever I do a search for any particular type of information, all I get in return is a deluge of "grow a bigger penis" websites and GI Joe / Transformers crossover slash fan fiction! How do I find what I'm looking for?
A: We claim no responsibility for the quality of content on your copy of an Internet. Due to budgetary restrictions, there hasn't been any actual data entered into the Internet since 1997. As a result, intentionally searching for a specific type of information will never, ever, ever result in finding this type of information, and will instead present you with a series of never ending popup ads for Orbitz and colorful notes which remind you that you are a winner and should probably claim your "prize" soon. If you would like to find information on a particular topic, simply wait three weeks until after you need the information. The exact moment you completely forget about it, you will be presented with a webpage that details every single fact and tidbit of information that you could possibly ever need to know about that subject, at which point you'll remark to yourself, "oh, well this is handy! If only I knew of this website three weeks ago!" You will then proceed to bookmark the page and never visit it again.
Q: Why are there so many naked people on my copy of an Internet?
A: This is an unfortunate issue we do recognize and are working to address. When we first created the Internet back in the 1970's or perhaps the 1980's (we were drunk at the time, so we have tremendous difficulties remembering the exact time), there was only space for two naked people. Fortunately, this space began to grow as more and more powerful computers were used to support the backbone of the Internet. Unfortunately, the two naked people began to reproduce at an alarming rate, churning out hundreds of other naked people with every passing moment. Eventually those naked people began making more naked people, those naked people made even more naked people, and soon the Internet became super-saturated with naked people, leading to the current glut we're experiencing. Our engineers have informed us that they are researching solutions for this problem, but until we release a patch which solves this issue, we advise all users of the Internet to never visit any webpage beginning with "http:", never open up any email that either has or doesn't have attachments, and never turn on their computers or else they risk the chance of naked people getting into the computer and breeding. If you see an image of a naked person on the Internet, DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! The naked person will proceed to make more naked people on your computer and then upload them to the National Naked Person Depository. Please spay and neuter your naked person pictures.
Q: I keep on winning highly fabulous prizes and tremendously exciting free things every time I spend more than eight seconds online, yet I never seem able to receive any of these highly fabulous prizes and tremendously free things! What the fuck?
A: When the Internet was turned on around 1970 or 1980 (see above answer for the reason why we can't remember when), our design team made sure it would support Maximum Prize Distribution (MPD). This simple bit of coding would ensure each and every user with a copy of an Internet would receive a steady, nonstop supply of free magazine subscriptions, vacations, and exotic automobiles. Although we can't exactly remember our reasoning behind this, you must keep in mind that it struck us as an absolutely wonderful idea at the time, much like the guy who came up with the concept of "green ketchup" and "Mountain Dew: Livewire." The lead software engineer back then, Ed, was supposed to finish coding this feature so all this free merchandise would get delivered to the users of the Internet in a fast and timely fashion. Unfortunately, Ed immediately got a case of AIDS from illegally touching one of those token-dispensing machines at a nearby filthy pool hall named "Side Pockets." Soon Ed either died or we alienated him to the point where he was physically unable to work with us, and as a result, we never finished the second half of our MPD program. You may feel free to sign up attempt to claim as many of these free prizes and wonderful deals as you want, but you should probably be aware that you will never receive them, and at best, end up dead as a direct result.
Q: OH MY GOD, I CANNOT CHECK MY EMAIL ANYMORE, I'M GETTING LIKE 50,000,000 SPAM MESSAGES A DAY DEMANDING I ENLARGE MY PENIS AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN, PLEASE HELP ME!!!
A: I'm sorry, that is not in the form of a question, and as a result, cannot be answered in our common problem-shooting issues section.
Q: OH MY GOD, I CANNOT CHECK MY EMAIL ANYMORE, I'M GETTING LIKE 50,000,000 SPAM MESSAGES A DAY DEMANDING I ENLARGE MY PENIS AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN, PLEASE HELP ME!!! DO YOU THINK MY KID IS GAY?
Q: Why do hundreds of thousands of other people using a copy of an Internet think I honestly give a rat's ass about their family's pets, favorite songs, or each and every excruciatingly painful banal everyday experiences?
A: To put it simply, the Internet is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it made us mistakenly begin thinking that the rest of the human race really wants to know what we ate for dinner last night and why we disagree with our mother's opinion of George W. Bush. On the other hand, it made us realize that we hate every single member of the human race who details what they ate for dinner last night and why they disagree with their mother's opinion of George W. Bush. As a result, we currently live in a state of a non-stop conundrum, unable to stop talking about what we ate for dinner, yet always secretly loathing ourselves for it. As is the solution to 99.9% of problems with the Internet, it is best to immediately become highly retarded and simply ignore the fact that you're either a liar, hypocrite, or all-out dumbass. Hey - if it works for us, then it has to work for you!
While we do admit to the aforementioned design flaws and semi-critical failures, we would like to ensure you, the valued customer, that we are working to provide a problem-free copy of an Internet for you to use. Our engineering team is working around the clock to release a nonstop stream of patches, upgrades, and expansion packs so you will eventually be able to experience a copy of an Internet as we originally intended it to be experience. While our current release version is .03 beta, we're proud to say that the beta release of .038 alpha will fix and address the following issues:
The ability to email hundreds of thousands of millions of people at once with a subject line that contains imaginary words including "V1AGRA," "F-R-E-E," and "~A.D.V~" will be removed and instead replaced with a command which causes your computer to light you on fire whenever you try to use them. Not a single court in the world would convict us; to prosecute somebody for manslaughter, you first have to prove it was a real man they slaughtered.
The Federal authorities will be alerted every time any and all representatives from the country of Nigeria attempt to get online. With the help of the United States government and a copy of an Internet, we plan on imprisoning the entire country by the year 2013.
Any person caught seriously arguing about Dragonball-Z, any game by John Carmack, or whether Apple is superior to the PC will have their names and home addresses entered into a bomb-proof supercomputer. At the end of the day, our technicians will use this supercomputer to track down every offender, then proceed to beat them to death with the aforementioned supercomputer.
We have noticed a bug which causes words like "you" to magically turn into the letter "u", "please" to morph into "plz," and "hello, I would like to know if you have a 1986 Sears Coldspot Refrigerator installed in your kitchen" to mystically become "LOL @ ASL OMG UR OPS WTF." Although we haven't been able to track down the problem so far, our engineering team believe the problem can be traced to "Blast Processing."
We would like to thank you, the consumer, for purchasing a copy of an Internet and look forward to serving you betUntitled DocumentYou are receiving this email from "Potent Products 4 Men" Newsletter. If you are listed in our database, you will receive occasional announcements on various male-related products. If you are receiving this email unsolicited, we wish to have you removed from our database immediately. Please see below for removal instructions. DIRECTV SATELLITE TV SYSTEM FREE PROFESSIONAL INSTALLATION 4 Receivers & 4 FREE MONTHS See all the NFL games. I am Mr ZIZIWANI JACOB, a native of ACCRA GHANA in WEST Africa and I am an Executive Accountant with the GHANA AVIATION MINISTRY. If you like warm pink puzzy then you will love the way our sorority brats 1ick fresh, wet muff like no men can. You can get pre-qualified for credit cards with up to a $7500 limit Claim your credit card(s) now! This message contains an HTML formatted message but your email client does not support the display of HTML. Please view this message in a different mail client or forward this email to a web-based mail system. COPY DVD MOVIES AND PLAYSTATION 2 GAMES!
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Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here with some incredible news. SA Forum Goon DannyManic has found 100% REAL: LEAKED STAR WARS EPISODE 3 PAGES! I'm as shocked as you are, trust me. I've read these pages over and over about 100 billion times. From what I can tell, the third episode is going to be the BEST Star Wars film ever made. My faith in Lucas is renewed again. Just check out this short blurb to prove how amazing this movie is going to be!
PADME What do you mean, rule over the galaxy? ANAKIN He shall be my willing slave, and I shall teach him of the force! We shall take control of the government and build an empire upon the suffering of those less powerful! PADME Anakin, you are scaring me. I don't like this idea. ANAKIN Do not call me by that name! Call me... (ANAKIN'S VOICE LOWERS AN OCTIVE AND HIS EYES FLASH RED) Darth... VADER! PADME NOOOOOOOOOO!Padme rushes to the window and throws the baby out! Obie Wan, outside,catches the baby with The Force. PADME (Yells out the window): OBIE WAN! TAKE THIS CHILD TO TATOOINE WHERE HE WILL BE SAFE! DARTH VADER You fool! It matters not. Get back in bed this instant, and I will impregnate you again with an even better child!EXT - PADME'S PALACE.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.