One of the "Ace / Ass Reporters" for the Appleton City Times newspaper. I scooped him on a story entitled, "I just fucking killed you, you goddamn pathetic fuckcretin.
Every time I turn on my goddamn 1974 Zenith Console television and try to steal some of the floating cable waves so I can stare at the fuzzy red lines and try to make out the nipples on some naked broad from the nude titties channel, I get really pissed off at the news. First off, why the hell do these people bother putting the news on my 1974 Zenith Console television when I can read about all that shit in the MacHendrickson's paper and listen to it on that Kool Aid guy radio I stole from the Radio Shack in 1986? Why don't some of you New York pansies just gallivant your prissy asses over to my house and stamp a copy of the daily news on my forehead each and every goddamn day so I can stare at myself in the mirror and read about the exciting world of Xerox stock every 19 seconds? Here's an even better idea, why don't you newsclowns find something interesting to write about, like all that shit you used to write about how we could get cancer from pirates or the sun or whatever? There's a lot of people in this hellhole that I'd like to give a healthy dose of cancer to, and if you news retards can't give me enough information on how to make the lungs of that old bat Mrs. Weatherington shrivel and collapse like a piece of coal under a steamroller, then I guess ol' Cliffy is gonna have to make his own cancer-causing devices like a wheeled bathtub full of gasoline and canned corn that I can light on fire and push down the street.
Anyway, I was reading the news today on the paper that was "accidentally" delivered to the MacHendrickson's, and I see this shit about how that oil humping beardbrain Saddam Horsesain got 100% of the votes in Iraq because he ran on the policy "vote for me or I'll fucking kill you with guns" and since nobody in Iraq is smart enough to speak or understand any form of language, they voted for him regardless. This really pissed me the hell off because I spent 70 years of my life protecting America from these kind of coward commie Russian menaces, and I'll be damned if countries like Iraq can sit around and spit on democracy like they've been. Also I hear Iraq's good friends with the Russians and those bearded blanket guys who drove those planes into the Sears Tower on 11-9 last year, so I think that gives us perfect reason to storm into their hellhole sand castle country and start knocking down walls like a fat kid in a gingerbread house. Speaking of fat kids, that goddamn repulsive holiday Halloween is coming up soon and I'm sick of those pumpkins convincing all the fat little booger-infested rodent children into leaking out of the woodwork and finding a king-size mattress cover to drape over their bloated heads so other people can feed them a neverending supply of deep fried Snickers bars.
I was at the Target in East Appleton the other day and saw another one of those fucking trucks hauling pumpkins to wherever the fuck they sell pumpkins, the Fatass Retard Deposit or something, so I ran the guy off the road and then claimed I had a flat tire and then claimed I had a gun and then claimed his truck was going to explode but the guy didn't hear me because he wouldn't leave his truck so I threw the Kool Aid Man radio through his window and commandeered his pumpkin truck. I got it all the way to my house but I forgot which pedal was the brake and which one was the emergency eject button, so I ended up ramming it into my porch and blocking the doorway. Since I couldn't get into my house anymore thanks to the fucking cursed pumpkin truck, I went to the Patterson's garage and stole about 10 buckets of green paint and threw it on the pumpkins because I dont want no fat retards swarming over to my house like shit on flies. Now it looks like I stole a watermelon truck instead of a pumpkin truck, which will keep me safe until the squadron of white trash down the street sees is and starts getting some great picnicking ideas. After I applied my great craftsmanship to the dregmobile, I had to break into my house through the garage so I could call my shitheaded parole officer, Jeff Hail and tell him that I was still in my house and knitting yard or logs or whatever the fuck you knit. He believed me because he's on the Appleton City Police Force, and they only recruit people who were turned down for jobs at the frozen yogurt store next to the Shoe Carnival.
The current President of the PTA, Waylon Bryce. Don't be fooled by the look of his chest: I hear he can hold in a lot of donated man-semen down there.
Anyway, if that hairy bastard in Iraq can get 100% of the votes in his little commie spy election, why the hell can't ol Cliffy get elected to the PTA here? It makes no fucking sense to me. I come to almost two meetings a year, and every time I show up I am actively involved in the conversation. Hell, no other PTA member has to wrestle with security to get in, so that should show how serious I am about becoming the President of the PTA. If I didn't want to fucking run the joint, I wouldn't bother strong-arming the greasefaced fat farms outside the door just so I could get in. And anybody who has attended one of those PTA meetings will tell you that I'm the guy who's the most vocal, I'm the guy who's got the best ideas, and I'm the guy who always has to be thrown out with force. I've never once seen another PTA member get hit in the face with a lamp and then still refuse to leave or stop talking or put down the gun; all the other spineless simps do is blabber about stupid new rules and shit and they don't get jack done ever. I wouldn't be surprised if every single member of the PTA was swiping cash from the penny jar, especially that old hag Betty Grable, who's had it in for me ever since the first day I met her wrinkled carcass and shoved her from the back of a station wagon on the I-73.
So since those shitnecks at the PTA have the cops canvassing the meeting area tonight and ol' Cliffy can't get within a 15 mile radius of the joint or else I'll be thrown into the slammer faster than you can say "Nazi Whorehouse," I'm going to write about it here on my computer screen and maybe get enough write-in votes from you Interweb clownspunks to win the next Appleton City PTA election. I'm running for the position of "President" or "Captain King" if they got that. I just want whatever position you need to pass laws and throw that stupid harpy bitch Betty Grable off the board and into a storage closet where her loud ass belongs. I once saw that broad kissing one of the cashiers at Piggly Wiggly, one of the cashiers that WASN'T her husband! And nobody out there better not say "wah, but Cliff, that was a Pepsi cardboard cutout display you were looking at before you threw a newsstand through the glass window and dumped kerosene all over the floor" like the cops do. I know what I fucking saw and if you think a Vietnam Vet like me would lie about something like this, then I got five Bouncing Betties just waiting to feel the warm embrace of your asshole you goddamn clueless fuckwad.
All good candidates got issue they run on, and since I'm a good candidate, I'm going to write down my list of issues I'm standing for just as soon as I can find the goddamn bar napkin I wrote them down on. I think I lost it when some jackass started throwing darts at the dartboard and I broke a bottle of whiskey over his head because he was a Korean sniper disguised as a drunk fat white guy named Frank Edmonds who's lived in Appleton City for the past 39 years. Okay, I found the list, here it is:
Look how fat this kid is! If I was King PTA, I'd have this slob whipped into shape faster than you can say "whip that kid with a whip, Cliff."
1. Schools are too fucking nice as is, so none of the money should go into buying more shit for schools like computers or teachers or whatever. When I went to grade school for three years, all we had was a piece of plywood to sit on and our teacher was a fucking elm tree. Kids need to be treated like criminals until they get out of school at the age of 28, so I want to move all the kids to the prisons so they can share cells with the same gutterslugs that they'll ultimately end up being like anyway.
2. I don't know how much cash goes into giving flu shots for kids, but it needs to be stopped right now. How the fuck are kids going to build up a tolerance for the flu if they keep getting pumped full of Advil or whatever the hell they put in those needles? Let those little shitheads learn to deal with the pain like I did when I was a kid and I fell down the hill into the abandoned meat packing factory and landed on a giant meathook which went through my skull and heart. I walked that one off and later that day I was feeling fine enough to score three touchdowns in the 12th inning against the South Appleton Spinsters.
3. All school computer machines will be ripped out and replaced with cinder blocks that explode and shoot shrapnel everywhere whenever some kid starts mouthing off. All computer machines do is play games and show the porn, so there's no reason kids should be jacking off and playing Mario Man when they should be learning about verbs or prime numbers or whatever.
4. The school year should be lengthened to 11 months long and should start at 7:00 AM and end at 8:00 PM, at which point the kids will be launched home in escape pods that crash through their house's ceiling and don't give them any chance to escape to go to the mall or eat chili or anything else that kids do which annoys me so goddamn much.
5. All schoolboard money will go directly to me and I will be in charge of distributing it as I see fit, such as purchasing whiskey dispensing machines for my house and paying speeding tickets.
I think my track record speaks for itself, and my issues I got are better than any other shit that those dickwhacks on the PTA could ever brainstorm up even if they had Albert Edison on their team. Plus I'm gonna keep showing up at every fucking PTA meeting regardless, unless I forget or I'm busy or they put another one of those stupid electric tracking shock devices on my ankle like after last time I drove the flatbed truck through the mall and caught on fire while trying to catch a baby on fire. All I know is that I'm the fucking man for the job and if you don't agree, then I'll make sure that your idiot kid will be the first with his back against the wall once I'm voted King PTA. Think about that, you bucktoothed assroast, before you cast your vote and give me 100% of the votes like that Sitdown Husseim jerkass.
Everyone Should Have a Mistress!
"Blade Mistress" that is, the new MMORPG from the makers of the incredible dating and bestiality simulator "Battlepets". Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons here to interrupt Mr. Yablonski's even-tempered rant. I've ventured into the realm of the Blade Mistressessesses and returned with a review of the world in which they dwell!
My experience with Blade Mistress started at the web site, where I downloaded the small client and installed the game. My first warning sign, not including the horrible web site, was that it used a DOS client to patch when I first connected to the server. After an extremely long wait the patch completed and I logged in for the first time to create my character. Character creation is fairly deep, with a total of three attributes and one model for your character to choose from. That's right, there is one player model, and it looks like a cross between a robotic supermodel and a mummy. You can choose from a few different hideously ugly faces and then fine-tune the colors on her tattered clothing to your liking.
Head on over and check out this review! After you read through it download the game and meet me in the exciting world of Blade Mistress. I'm sure to be there almost 24 hours a day!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.