June 21, 1997

Day 2 of the X-games and my stomach is churning, festering. "Ever see a Fat man do the worlds greatest moves on a board?" the generic rock plays and it shows clips of me grinding at home. My little ESPN bio intro deceives you.

Building up speed on the pipe, a minimum of tricks to gain inertia. Due to my Weight and Weight gain I am going very fast! It's time now. It's time to pull it off for the crowd.... Fuck yeah, a huge 900 w/ projectile vomit shooting out in all directions. Some people puke from the smell and all of the crowd is sprayed by my meals.

I grab my board and run out of there while you are all blinded by stomach acids. That was me, I was...

April 1st, 2000

My finger struggles to navigate the tiny confines of your doorbell, but I succeed eventually. No need to hurry - need to keep my cool. The door opens, and you welcome me in willingly, so great is my disguse and so blind are you to the horrors that await.

Is it my red afro wig? Is it my bulbous rubber nose? THe big shoes. Whatever it is, I'm not at your kid's party to perform magic.

As the children look up at me with eager eyes, I do a little juggling. I gain your sons trust - then I invite him to pull my finger. As he yanks, I let loose my pickle all over his dome. I cackle madly and bust a hole in the wall like the Kool aid guy, and let off some fireworks in the sky. You look up, to see....

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.