GameInformer's latest issue recently hit the presses, allowing humans across the globe to be informed of games (some people mistakenly believed games stopped existing). The cover art offers a sneak peak into the exciting Gears of War 3 universe, populated by totally beefy NOT GAY studs covered in more metal than a Mayhem concert. Let's dig deeper into this image, as we attempt to reveal the secrets behind their wardrobe.
1) Military Grade Do-Rag
In the future / in an alternate reality / on a different planet / wherever Gears of War 3 takes place, the human skull is the least important part of the body. Medical professionals who believed the human brain was located inside the skull were proven incorrect by the Gears trauma team, who conclusively demonstrated the soldier's brain is actually located inside their gun. As a direct result, soldiers are rarely seen with headwear. In this case, Marcus Fenix believes he is actually a 17th-century Cantonese pirate undergoing chemotherapy.
2) Combat Soul Patch
What's a better way of saying "I'm a bad-ass who gives no fuck" than by shaving everything on your face except one tiny area under your bottom lip? As an added bonus, this small cluster of hair confuses all heterosexual enemies who mistakenly believe there's a tiny unshaven vagina growing above the soldier's chin. Gears infantry have reported additional combat effectiveness when implementing the combat soul patch, drooling out ketchup, and shouting "like oh my god, I've totally been feeling soooooo sick since Spring Break when I sat on that lobster at Daytona Beach."
3) "Is a Bird Going to Crap On Me?" Shoulder Lights
These two useful LED lights illuminate the immediate area directly above a soldier, allowing the wearer to tilt their head slightly upward and instantly determine if any low-altitude birds (or up to 18 different airborne creatures) are preparing to shit on their head. These functional light strips additionally answer the age-old question, "hey, what's that thing?" when presented in context of somebody pointing slightly above another person's head.
4) Long Sleeve T-Shirt (Converted to Short Sleeve T-Shirt)
Previously a long-sleeve t-shirt, this garment has been altered into a more conventional short-sleeve t-shirt thanks to a convoluted textile engineering process referred to as "using hands to tear it." Upon seeing such a brazen act of clothing disregard, enemy soldiers will instantly assume the soldier is so tough that they don't care if it's cold outside, thus eliminating the effectiveness of a Pokemon's ice-based attack.
5) Video Game Talisman
This highly fashionable, functional piece of stunning jewelery was created so people playing the game Gears of War 3 would know what game they're playing while they play Gears of War 3 (Gears of War 3). Discounts available with bulk purchasing from QVC. Item may also be obtained by pre-ordering Gears of War 3 from your local Sears (if supply of talismans runs out, manufacturer may substitute a large, flashing neon sign reading "NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX TODAY").
6) Left Tricep Protector / Enchanted Mirror
HANDHELD TREAM CO LTD CHINA, the sole manufacturer of military tricep protection, found themselves declaring bankruptcy after a number of soldiers reported engineering failures resulting in accidental protection of biceps. As a direct result, these units are available in extremely limited quantity, forcing soldiers to protect only one of their triceps during live combat. The specific tricep has to be chosen in advance by completing a lengthy, convoluted six-page form and oral essay about the importance of honesty in the workplace. The optional enchanted mirror feature allows nearby friendlies to determine who actually is the fairest one of all (not them).
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.