January 12th 2007
I removed the chloroform soaked rag from Dr. Boof's mouth, and struggled to fit his scrubs on. He's a generously sized fellow, but he's no match for my girth.
Busting out of the janitors closet, I stomped towards the ER. You're my patient. Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower.
The surgery begins without a hitch, and your stomach is soon exposed. In a blinding flash, I grab the scalpel, slice open a meaty chunk, and hork my Double Bacon Chee with the quickness. Dabbing my index finger in your blood, I cackle madly as I swab a message on the wall...
August 22, 2007
Saw a mom running by my window today. Your mom. Bingo.
Strapped on my corrective shoes (I get shin splints) and slammed the door shut with my bearfist. I got on my custom made Power Wheels Escalade and slap on my Ray Bans.
Cruisin' at a safe distance, she doesn't notice anything. Nothing but a man in his Escalade (want a ride honey?? Congratulations. Now you can.) As I approach, she begins to recognize the reckless gleam in my eye. She knows she's about to be puked.
Tucking and rolling onto the sidewalk, I take her down at the knees. I open my mouth, but not to talk. As she covers her face in a futile attempt to stem the flow, she rapidly begins to lose consciousness. As she fades peacefully, I place two coins on her eyes to facilitate her slumber.
Good day. We are Hester and Karl, and we are something rare. We are a couple ... of Stock Photo Lifestylists! Lifestylers? We lead a Stock Photo Lifestyle.
I want my bed to look like the health department is checking for bedbugs. I want to feel like it’s on an episode of Maury getting scanned for semen.
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
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