Will Clair Sleep With Me?: A Graduate ThesisSome students go to school to become something (teacher, C.E.O., accountant), and they graduate with the ability to succeed in their selected fields. You, on the other hand, decided to focus on the humanities, and you're about to graduate with the ability to write longwinded, boring papers regarding unimportant information that has little to no audience in the academic or real world.

The thesis is supposed to add new information to the field while combining all the skills you gained throughout your college education. Writing such a paper requires a keen attention to detail, patience, a deep understanding on a specific topic, and hours of hard work. Or, in your case, a whole bunch of traits you never developed through the many games of EA SPORTS. You have no chance to succeed unless you follow these steps.

Step One: Pick a Topic

Alright, so what are you going to discuss for thirty pages? What doesa twerpy twenty-something year old have to offer the world of academia? What can you discover in the thoroughly scoured fields of history that someone much smarter, older, and beard-covered than you missed? Well, since being profound is out of the picture, maybe you should focus on a ridiculously specific topic. To help you pick an area of focus, I have created this helpful guide. You like MadLibs right? Fill in the blanks according to number.

How did __#3__ affect ___#2___ during the ___#1___ in ___#4___?

#1. (Moment in History) This is what you wanted to write your paper on before you realized that you have nothing interesting to say. Fill it in with whatever broad topic you originally thought of, such as "Vietnam War" or "Romantic Period."

#2. (Group) This is the main subject of the paper. Any noun should work. Example: "Native Americans" or "Wiffle Balls."

#3. (Secondary Group) If you were smarter, you could fill thirty pages with "Wiffle Balls" during the "Vietnam War," but you aren't. Instead, this secondary group gives you at least twice as much to write about.

#4. (Location) This is your trick play. Including a location may cause the professor to mistake you as an astute writer, instead of seeing the lazy, uncreative ass that you actually are. But location does more than boost appearances. It also limits responsibility. By stating that you are focusing on the Cleveland metro area, you only have to look at that specific, disgusting area instead of the entire globe. And, in case you really fuck up in presenting your poorly researched information, you can always say something like "well, I guess Cleveland is unique in that it is the only city in America to ally with the Khmer Rouge." Taa-Daa, you're off the hook, and no one will ever notice all those imaginary documents you reference!

Here is a simple example:

How did iron affect warfare in ancient Africa along the Nile River?

Of course, not all topics need to be in past tense. Okay, now you do one. Remember to focus on a topic important to you.

Well, alright. Fine. I guess that's a topic. Let's keep moving.

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