Hey gang, I spend a good bit of time on Twitter, and I spend a good bit of time thinking about it. I also spend a little time looking at every other website's awful, terrible, no-good list of "who to follow" because they're all either the obvious picks, or loaded with terrible bots and fake parody personalities. Nearly every one of those lists is horrendous. Here's a better list, all of these accounts are personally vouched for by yours truly. They're really good. If you like free jokes beaming into your phone or computer 24 hours a day, give 'em a whirl.
If you've ever seen SA's bi-weekly Twitter Tuesday feature, you'll recognize many of these names. That's because they're good at what they do, and if you followed them already I wouldn't have to tell you about them, you lazy asshole.
The list is presented with one Hot As Hell tweet from each person, but you can bet there are a million more, too.
You have to follow these accounts in order to proceed.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH.I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES— wint (@dril) October 11, 2012
how the hell do you level up your okcupid character cause my guy is just sitting there looking fat and boring— Michael Hale (@dogboner) January 8, 2012
for mothers day i got my mom some big sticks she can pretend are swrods when shes rough housin with her mom friends— deg (@degg) May 9, 2010
wow feed the cat you're catsitting 3 bowls of n.e. clam chowdy as special dindin treat and get repaid w/ gross gurgles. fucked up rude beast— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) February 26, 2011
Fancy Hollywood Types
Tell you what, these folks. Waist deep in the belly of the beast while telling jokes and wisecracking on their phones all day.
You spelled "punching" wrong. RT @chrisbrown: No more planking for me unless it's on a sexy lady! Lol— Andy Levy (@andylevy) August 17, 2011
I feel bad for Kourtney Jong-Il and Khloe Jong-Il right now :(— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) December 19, 2011
The Jenny McCarthy Show premieres tonight! You'll laugh so hard you'll forget to vaccinate your kids! They will be in huge danger!— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) February 8, 2013
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2012
Pretty Boy Booklearners and Politicos
Whenever anything ever happens, I wait for these folks to make sense of it and tell me what to think.
lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 21, 2009
Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) January 11, 2013
The Big Bang Theory and Newt Gingrich have the same broad appeal: they're what dumb humorless people think smart witty people sound like.— Jeb Lund (@Mobute) October 8, 2012
98% of the worlds Microsoft points are owned by 2% of the worlds gamers— African Strongman(@bIoach) August 12, 2010
Weezer Cruise, Day 117.Corn dog supply is running low and no news of replacement cargo shorts. J Mascis continues to terrorize lower decks— first time slammer (@olhnso) July 12, 2011
People Who Make More Internet
These clowns are the rare type who are funny on Twitter and write for supposedly credible news and commentary websites.
A cool thing to do at parties is to whisper to someone earnestly, "this is my first party"— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) May 6, 2012
Google kills Google Reader. "Just wasn't creepy enough," says Sergey Brin.— Adrian Chen (@AdrianChen) March 13, 2013
a-rod wouldve hit 400 this season if hed been allowed to drink big sodas— max read (@max_read) October 18, 2012
no wonder my gaydar keeps going off i've been holding the dang thing backwards!— nate 'vrunt' lamagna (@vrunt) January 10, 2013
Actual Humor Comedians That Really Are Comedians
If you don't know these folks' names yet, you probably will soon. Or maybe you'll die in a car accident tomorrow and never see it, who knows. They're great on Twitter and even better in person.
a grindr but for nearby puppies to pet— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 6, 2013
Hey Britain, how do u tell if ur tv shows are new or 39 yrs old?— Cornell Reid (@corneezy) October 20, 2012
The bomb threat at Hooters in Hollywood just reminds us all we should hug our strippers a little tighter when we get home tonight.— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) April 19, 2013
One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) August 31, 2012
There's a rhythm to 69ing that is very much like an old timey railroad handcar.— Jon Daly (@jondaly) October 11, 2012
Forgot to eat before grocery shopping so I'm having frozen pizza cereal donuts barbecue chips fish sticks grilled cheese for dinner tonight!— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 15, 2012
Nobody knows where these people came from or why, but they sure do some good tweetin'.
"One soft taco for one Hard man," they say, in the taco bell of my dreams— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) January 12, 2012
Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 8, 2013
what if real life is jail and the ones in jail are the free ones?? *jurors gasp, judge bangs gavel* im holding u in contempt for scaring me— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) July 25, 2012
If you were on a segway tour and saw a dude get shot to death would you try to ride away or jump off and run— A Magical Corpse (@Dead_Wizard) December 3, 2011
haha i've kept this police sketch artist here for two hours and he still doesnt realize he's been drawing the Cheers cast one by one— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) August 11, 2011
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) March 20, 2013
*menacingly whips around bagged 6" subway cold cut combo above head like a ball and chain flail*— jon (@Ennui_Raver) October 5, 2012
Now friends, I will be the first to admit that this list is horrifyingly incomplete, but if I've erred egregiously, feel free to tip me off to some humor geniuses I've overlooked and they might make it into a future article or Twitter Tuesday. Or not, maybe just keep it to yourself. Regardless, the list above is high-quality as all heck and I suggest you get to following right away!
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
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Kurt Cobain and gang finally learn the truth behind Morton Downey's evil scheme.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.