As required by United States government protocol 43-X14-A (Operation: M.I.N.D.C.R.I.M.E.S.) it is now mandatory for all government employees to claim that all funds received from this job (avg. $5.15/hr) will not support terrorists or the infrastructure(s) of their various caves that dot the American Southwest (identified by Terrorist Satellite Imagery*).
Due to the accidental arrest and subsequent execution of the entire cast of Disneyland’s Aladdin’s Magic Carpet Adventure, we feel that it is important to clarify just which people, groups, coporations and products are recognized as threats to the American government. And in this climate of war and aging rockers protesting the land of the free,** the list of threats to citizens like you grows day by day. Please review the following additions to the Official Terror List, then report to your assigned “Danger Zone” for stage two of Operation: M.I.N.D.C.R.I.M.E.S.
* See attached Spelunker Battle Guide (SBG).
** Purchase necessary.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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