Greetings Citizen,

As required by United States government protocol 43-X14-A (Operation: M.I.N.D.C.R.I.M.E.S.) it is now mandatory for all government employees to claim that all funds received from this job (avg. $5.15/hr) will not support terrorists or the infrastructure(s) of their various caves that dot the American Southwest (identified by Terrorist Satellite Imagery*).

Due to the accidental arrest and subsequent execution of the entire cast of Disneyland’s Aladdin’s Magic Carpet Adventure, we feel that it is important to clarify just which people, groups, coporations and products are recognized as threats to the American government. And in this climate of war and aging rockers protesting the land of the free,** the list of threats to citizens like you grows day by day. Please review the following additions to the Official Terror List, then report to your assigned “Danger Zone” for stage two of Operation: M.I.N.D.C.R.I.M.E.S.

Your Pal,
The Government

* See attached Spelunker Battle Guide (SBG).
** Purchase necessary.


  • TERRORThe Society for a More Exploded Israel
  • That guy who programmed the hover bike level in Battletoads
  • Spicy Pete’s Explosive Fertilizer
  • Microsoft 2002 Flight Simulator LAN Deathmatch Parties
  • Frank “Speecy Spicy” Martinez
  • Wastey, the Gasoline-Burning Clown
  • North Dakota
  • People who purposely take up two parking spaces (I mean, come on; no one is going to scratch your 1995 Beretta)
  • Kamp Kablammo: Where Taliban Children Learn Through Play
  • Anthrax Top, the chemical weapons prop comic
  • Anyone who uses Zip Disks, the proprietary format for terror
  • NPR, which makes Americans both sleepy and educated
  • Phil Wilkins, the world’s richest potato
  • The Society for a Less Exploded Iraq
  • ”Ape” Johnson’s Discount Passports
  • Fans of jazz
  • Fans of jazz fusion
  • Those lacking an appreciation of adult contemporary, the soothing soundtrack of most major dentist offices
  • Nike, for their new “detonator” version of The Pump
  • Gary Trudeau and the smarm industry
  • Captain Mutt’s Dynamite Cummerbunds (for novelty purposes only)
  • The Estate of the Late Captain Mutt
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