Yeah, he's still the President.
It's been a few weeks since I milked the impending war with Iraq for front page material, so it is my patriotic duty to bring you the latest on the diplomatic and military fronts today. Besides, I was too worn out from my rocky camping trip to come up with a creative topic. Of course, the big news came on Thursday night when President George "Subliminable" Bush preempted Must See TV in order to carefully avoid answering questions. As outraged Americans rioted in the streets, demanding to know who Joey was going to sleep with this week, the four or five people who actually have the patience to listen to Bush speak watched in anticipation to learn the fate of our beloved nation. The speech, which essentially boiled down to "terrorism is still bad," didn't really announce anything new, and yet somehow still managed to piss off just about every nation in the world.
The U.S. has drafted an amendment to a current resolution that calls for a March 17th deadline for the disarmament of Iraq. The deal is, either Iraq ditches all the weapons that we don't want them to have, or we'll commence Operation: Bomb Iraq Until It Stops Being Funny. The problem, of course, is that Iraq has already started cooperating. Apparently someone finally reminded Saddam that he lost the crap out of the Gulf War, and the odds aren't in his favor this time, either. We've got 250,000 troops ready to storm Baghdad. Iraq doesn't even have 250,000 literate citizens. So, Saddam started destroying the Al Samoud 2 missiles, the ones we objected to. He's meeting our demands. And yet, Bush still wants to deliver the March 17th ultimatum. The diplomatic logic behind that is lost on me. Not surprising, the rest of the U.N. Security Council responded to the idea with one collective "guh?" This is probably the first time I've ever agreed with France on anything, but if we actually follow through with this threat after Iraq has started to actively agree to our demands, America will officially be a dick. Bush has already declared that even if the Security Council vetoes the ultimatum, we're going to make it anyway. Yeah, that's the way to win a lot of friends. Nothing says "we love peace" more than going to war when a diplomatic solution is actually starting to work.
"Okay, how many of you haven't bathed in a week? Okay, two weeks?"
So, we've pissed off just about everybody. Well, not Bulgaria. For some reason, Bulgaria loves us now. They said that they would support us in our war efforts. Alright! Nothing guarantees victory like support from Bulgaria. I mean, once Bulgaria gets involved, it's only a matter of time before Latvia jumps into the fray. At last, we've got some worthwhile allies! Seriously, I'd like to know just how Bulgaria thinks they're going to go about backing us up. We're the United States. We wouldn't use Bulgaria to scratch our asses. At least we can rest assured that if we ever run out of goats and poverty, we can borrow some of theirs. Other than our new friend to the northeast - no, not that far east... okay, now down a little bit... little bit more... yeah, that's Bulgaria - we've got a lot of countries that aren't too thrilled with our new foreign policy of "go to war no matter what, and pretend that we'll handle things diplomatically when we obviously won't." At this point, I think it's fairly safe to say that we are going to war with Iraq. I'd love to be proven wrong on this. Nothing would make me happier than to write an article next week saying that our troops are standing down, but I just don't think that's going to happen. Mostly it's because my next article comes out on the 16th, which means Saddam will still have one whole day to disarm his entire goddamn country, including publicly destroying the secret hidden inviso-weapons that we know he has yet can't find. Since war is pretty much a given, and a U.S. victory is pretty much a given, lets take a look at the likely aftermath.
Yep, that's Bulgaria.
Since 9/11 basically proved to the anti-American terrorists of the world that we can be hit, we are almost guaranteed to see another attack. The Middle East is chock full of near-unpronouncable countries that actually support Saddam Hussein. Those countries also tend to support terrorism. Unless we're willing to nuke the entire region into one melted glob of turban goo, we can't possibly take out every terrorist faction before we take another hit. Our security isn't tight enough and our military isn't fast enough. Deposing Saddam won't scare the terrorists into hiding, it will draw out the whackos who want to be martyrs. There are also a fair share of Middle Eastern nations that want Saddam gone, but they don't want the U.S. to do it. That's one of the biggest problems in this war. We think we're doing the Muslim world a favor, but it's a favor they don't want from us. If there's one thing that they hate more than a dictator who gets his fat, cigar-chomping jollies by gassing Kurds, it's the U.S. acting like it can exercise as much power as it wants anywhere in the world. Honestly, what we should do is send Bulgaria in first. They're so eager to fight now, and I sincerely doubt Egypt would have a problem with Bulgaria getting rid of Saddam Hussein.
President Mubarak (the Egyptian President. Jesus, pick up a damn newspaper): "What news from Iraq?"
Aide: "President Mubarak, Hussein has been forced out of office! His regime is in shambles!"
President Mubarak: "By Osiris' teats, the Americans have to have some nerve to think that they can just storm into any country they want and impose their own beliefs!"
Aide: "No, Mister President, it was Bulgaria!"
President Mubarak: "If Bush thinks that he can just walk all over Egypt, too, I'll show him what it - wait, what did you say?"
Aide: "The Bulgarians did it."
President Mubarak: "The Bulgarians."
President Mubarak: "Deposed Saddam."
President Mubarak: "Wow. Uh... seriously?"
Aide: "Yeah, I know. Weird, huh?"
President Mubarak: "It's totally weird. Uh, I really don't know how to react to that."
Aide: "Should I tell the Bulgarian foreign minister that we will never support their regime?"
President Mubarak: "Uh... no, no, I think it's cool. I mean, I don't think their regime is going to involve much more that goats and poverty. Bulgaria, really?"
Aide: "That's right."
President Mubarak: "I'm pretty sure I did a report on them in like fourth grade. To tell the truth, I didn't even think they were a country anymore."
I sincerely doubt that the world at large has a contingency plan for if Bulgaria attacks and successfully ousts Saddam Hussein. I can't even picture terrorists really having the energy to hate America after that. But since a Bulgaria-initiated offensive seems unlikely, I think we have to prepare ourselves for the likelihood of another major attack on American soil. While I certainly can't offer any information about where this attack might be or what form it might take, I can at least assure you that no matter what, Something Awful will keep running. Well, unless the terrorists blow up Lowtax or something, but that seems like an overly-specific target, when you think about it. So yes, we will still be here, churning out semi-humorous articles on a daily basis. However, in a time of emergency, everyone needs to adapt somewhat, and we're no exception. So let me now bring you up to date on the official Something Awful Emergency Plan.
The Something Awful offices - we love geometry!
The SA office will be sealed
In order to keep the funny coming from as long as possible while our country is under chemical, biological, or explositastical siege, the entire Something Awful staff will be locked inside our company headquarters. The doors will be sealed until such a time as it is safe to leave. The atmosphere inside will be pressurized in order to prevent any harmful microscopic particles or nanotech robots from getting in. Don't worry about us, though. We've got a year's supply of oxygen. Unfortunately, we've been going through something of a financial crisis lately, since not enough people are signing up for the fantastic forums, so we couldn't afford standard NASA-certified, air-grade oxygen. It's not O2, exactly, but O1, which is almost as good. The science behind it baffles me, but I'm not paid to know science, I'm paid to watch terrible movies and bitch about them. And that's exactly what I intend to keep doing in the interest of our nation.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka will be frozen
In the event of a life-threatening emergency situation, all of our thoughts will immediately turn to making the quality of life as good as possible for the survivors. To that end, our founder and most prolific writer, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, will by rushed to a secret underground bunker, where he will be frozen in carbonite. Hopefully, future generations will be able to thaw him and benefit from his wit, wisdom, and astounding cynicism. Also, since we're literally sealing ourselves off from the outside world, it makes sense that we should get rid of the most flatulent person. Perhaps in the irradiated wasteland of the future, Rich's unique blend of intestinal gasses will purify the ash-choked air. In the meantime, the most senior employee, Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, will become the new Lowtax. He shall be known as Geitax, and he will be forced to write five front page article and six content updates every week. All hail Geitax!
Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz will be tranquilized and eaten
We may have oxygen atoms aplenty, but the SA reserves do not have much in the way of extra food. Company policy calls for the newest employee to be eaten by the others. This plan was first enacted when Josh Boruff was hired, hence the moniker "Livestock." A month ago, I would have been the one to be eaten. As luck would have it, the new guy mantle has been passed to Frolixo, that smartass. While his weekly rants about lawn decorations and his freakish obsession with my ass will be missed by the public (I assume), he will be expected to fulfill his duty. It doesn't really matter if he goes willingly or not, we've got tranquilizer darts. Ironically, the office supply stores do contain large amounts of various condiments, so you can sleep easy knowing that while Frolixo may not be terrible nutritious, he will be irrefutably delicious. My sides are splitting already! That's probably something I should have looked at.
State Og updates will be replaced by Staving Off Insanity Saturdays
While our local State Og representatives may be friendly, they are also realistic. Chances are fairly good that if terrorists do attack, the State Og corporation itself will be the prime target. The megacorporation may not produce the most weapons the the U.S. military, but it does produce the most creative (and scalding) ones. In the event of an attack, State Og has its own emergency policy. While we may not know exactly what that entails, sources have told me that it will involve mutants of some sort. The company will not want to reveal its defensive and offensive plans on the internet for obvious reasons, so communications will be severed between State Og and Something Awful. We wouldn't want to leave a gap in the content lineup, though, so instead of the Saturday State Og updates, we will be featuring Staving Off Insanity Saturdays. Josh and I will compile all the best moments from around the office over the course of the week as the staff tries its best to ignore the fact that we're sealed inside an airtight compound with nothing but work for amusement, we've killed and eaten one of our own, and our gassy leader is frozen in the basement. All the best quotes and pictures will be lumped together into four to seven pages of pure hilarity! It promises to be a hoot as we gradually lose our grip on reality and slip in and out of coherence. With an article by Geitax and a Staving Off Insanity update to boot, Saturdays will become everyone's favorite day of the week!
Those are just a handful of the changes that you'll notice around here. I want you all to be able to relax and know that no matter what, we will keep on doing what we do best - trying to make you laugh and failing miserably.
There's No Need To Fear! Hero X Is Here!
Hey all you sexy readers, Taylor "Psupercalifragalisticexpialidosis" Bell here. I was a little disappointed to see I wasn't included in the fallout shelter survival plan, but then I realized it was because I'd probably eat all our stockpiled food and use up all our water on water balloons. Anyway, this week's target of my furious outburst of hatred is Hero X, a really bad story of a really bad superhero in a really bad game.
Once you get within two feet of a biker, prepare to experience the finest combat system the budget PC gaming industry has to offer. First the bikers will all run up right in front of you, displaying pathfinding skills that are far superior to yours. Then they’ll start spastically swinging their fists around while the same annoying muffled “whack” effect starts thumping through your speakers approximately 40 times per second. Each punch inflicts approximately 1x10-12 percent of your total health in damage, so if you’re in a mental state where you might actually be killed by these enemies, you’ll probably only be able to play for a few minutes before you drool on your mouse or try to eat it. If you decide to fight back, you have to be a bad enough dude to click on each enemy twice. This makes your hero imitate their fist-swinging motion while little comic book sound bubbles appear over their heads, some of them containing words like “ZAP” and “MEH” which are not normally recognized as punching noises.
Check that shit out, yo.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.