"This location has the worst employees of any McDonald's I've ever visited. They're lazy, discourteous and constantly mess up my order. They should all be fired or sent to customer service training as they give your restaurant a bad name.
"Except for one employee, Wolfman, who is a prince among men. You should give him a raise."
"When I complained that your triple quarter pounder is too large to fit in my mouth, employee 'Wolfman' leapt up on the counter and tore the sandwich into tiny pieces for me. I just wish your managers were this helpful! Fire those dunces and put Wolfman in charge!"
"While I was waiting in drive-thru a ferocious growl directed my attention inside the store. A large and rather hirsute employee was tearing apart what appeared to be raw meat with his bare hands. Now this is the kind of work ethic I like to see from McDonald's employees! Whoever this hairy prep person is, give him a promotion."
"Cashier 'Wolfman' greeted me with an enthusiastic growl and feverishly punched in my order on his touchscreen. I have to say I was impressed by his vigor. My order was made wrong, but this is hardly Wolfman's fault. If those grill workers had half his dedication, they'd read their slips correctly."
"I've always valued your restaurant for its quality food and fast and friendly service. However I am a little worried about your working conditions. One employee, Wolfman, looked confused and disheveled and responded to orders with only inhuman howls of pain. I hope you're giving this worker adequate breaks; if not this may be a matter for the department of labor."
"I saw your new employee 'Wolfman' today and don't think for a second I'm fooled. He's clearly an illegal immigrant from somewhere. I can't believe your restaurant would stoop so low as to hire illegals when hardworking U.S. families are out in the cold. I'm calling the INS, who I'm sure will love to chat with this Wolfman guy and inspect his visa."
"Your restaurant used to have a serious problem with homeless people congregating in the parking lot. Fortunately, their numbers have been dropping lately. In fact, the homeless population of the entire surrounding neighborhood seems to be decreasing. Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"
"I've always been a fan of the McDonaldland characters, but this new one, some kind of hairy man-beast, is too scary for my children. Bring back Mayor McCheese and get rid of this guy."
"Of all your team members only Wolfman seems to respect proper hygiene procedures. His ample hair is always impeccably groomed and shimmers with a healthy gloss. I only hope his coworkers start following his example."
"Your idiot cashier messed up my order several times in a row. Finally someone named Wolfman took charge of the situation, grabbing the employee by the collar and dragging him into the back room for what sounded like a thorough chewing-out. This Wolfman then gave me a refund, after some difficulty with the cash drawer that forced him to rip it out of its compartment. Glad you've finally got a competent type-A leader on your staff."
"I don't think your crew takes their job very seriously. I placed a drive-thru order and all I could hear was screaming and someone howling with delight. This is a fast food restaurant, NOT a house party."
"I visited your store late last night and it was completely trashed. The dining room was strewn with overturned chairs and broken glass and the kitchen cabinets were smeared with red meat of some sort. Only one employee, Wolfman, was on staff, running around and growling in a frenzy. I would too if I had to do the work of five men. Hire a bigger staff!"
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.