Rashid, Tom, hey. Just wanted to shoot you a quick email.
Look, I am as open-minded as anybody on the team here and I definitely support more diversity, but I have some concerns about Jenny joining our team. Let me get right out there that I am an ally. I am a big time feminist. My favorite comic book character next to Power Girl is Wonder Woman.
So, look, I thought it was great when you reached out to other cultures to bring new perspectives to the development of Loadini Pro. Multiculturalism is not the problem here. Muslims and black guys, and whatever Haiko is, all use logistics software. They've got materiel they want to move from point A to point B. They want turnkey solutions.
Do any of these things pictured here look like stuff girls care about?But let's face it, this is guy's software. Loadini Pro was developed by men, for men. How many women do you know that manage a supply chain? Can you imagine Kelly from reception setting up a global subscription for ground and air and actually bothering to calculate L&D? No way. She wouldn't know a consolidation funnel from a distro node. And have you seen those sea shell frames she buys for the pictures of her kids on her desk? That is not that what we want for Loadini Pro.
Loadini Pro is all about business. When we put in bells and whistles we literally add bell and whistle sounds. Is Jenny going to come in and add some flowers around the borders? Did we hire her to make the cursor into a heart? Can she even code?
Rashid, I don't want to second guess your hire, I just want to be careful. Every employee goes through that trial period and we need to be ready to cut her loose if she starts changing all the freight options to pictures of kittens. This is not flowers and kittens, man. You think Harley Davidson is going to want to see some pink on the loading screen? No way.
Also, the employee locker room is going to get pretty weird. Some people here might have tiny mini-marshmallow penises and chronic itchy butthole. Are these people going to need to worry about their gumdrop sized wieners being felt up now? Can we set some ground rules about Jenny looking at us and judging us when we itch our buttholes?
We have a good atmosphere down in the engineering center. Are you going to go into a garage and yank down the bikini muffler calendar? No? Then, please, don't come into our office and tear down our sexy Samus poster. Yes, it is sort of a frat house atmosphere, if frat boys developed software, but it has been getting the job done. Loadini Pro is only 18 months behind schedule compared to 23 months behind schedule for the Loadini Plus launch. It's going to tack on a lot of months if we have to redo everything until it's a Virginia Wolf book. Pro tip, guys: Virginia Wolf went crazy and killed herself.
I'm just waiting to get the memo from HR about how we can't have our Samus Aran poster anymore. I have some concerns that Jenny might also cause some problems in our engineering meetings. She might distract some of the engineers with her shirts and she also might not like the way we talk about our relationships like, "Oh, I can't wait to get busy with this girl I met. I want to get busy and feel up a woman's body." Which is something that could be said at any time. Aditya has a girlfriend right now.
We're real casual down here. We will wear whatever we are comfortable with. Will she wear panties into work? What about when she has PMS? We are heading towards the crunch and we can't have her going all claws out on us just because we ate the last jelly donut. I remember when my mom used to get PMS and it was not a pretty sight. What if she gets menstrual blood on a chair? Do we need to buy special chairs? Have you budgeted for special menstrual chairs?
Have you thought about what happens if Jenny gets pregnant and has to have a baby in the middle of crunch time? None of the rest of us can even get pregnant. Will our insurance pay for her birth control? I don't want more coming out of my check because of her sex life.
I just want to be sure that you considered everything.
I am willing to have Jenny prove me wrong about women being great software engineers for Loadini Pro, but only under the most brutal scrutiny in which I hold her to unfair standards and constantly try to exclude her and sabotage her work. Also I might make a bunch of hapless sexual overtures that convince her I am a sex predator when I am actually incel, thank you very much. Drama! Speaking of drama, I can't wait for her to friendzone somebody. You know how awkward that is going to be.
Anyway, just a heads up.
Senior Software Engineer
If you know a good place to get menstrual chairs, please contact Zack by following him on Facebook.
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
The water got bigger? my sand castle was destroyed and we had to move. Who did this?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.