Hello, consumer. Content with your early 21st century life, are you? Well, thanks to our many new technologies, Now You Can Work from Anywhere. Sleep peacefully, small one-oh, what's that nearly imperceptible buzzing pulling you steadily from the warm embrace of slumber? With our new SmartBuzz technology, Now You Can Work from Anywhere. While your loved ones waste their lives in horizontal stasis, e-mails can be answered promptly and efficiently. Tilt back that first coffee of the morning, because the sun won't be around to arouse natural wakefulness for hours. And when you do, don't neglect the bottom of your mug-thanks to our patented CeramiGraph functionality, up to three superiors can inform you of quotas at once while you finish those last important sips. You'll need them-you've got a long day ahead of you, soldier.
For one fleeting second, try and imagine our horrible past. With the telephone and costly, impractical tube systems acting as the only means of communication, our workplaces were limited to our workplaces. Anything left undone or unplanned would have to wait until 9:00 the next morning. And while this untouched work festered and bled money, employees were left to their own devices, wasting their hours at home watching television, playing with their children, making love to their wives, or indulging in any number of pointless hobbies for the sake of financially valueless personal fulfillment. Today, it's unthinkable: Entire Sundays, wasted on pointless activities like fishing, varnishing, and, above all else, forgetting about career concerns by wallowing in personal freedom like certain members of the FetLife community in human excrement.
Thankfully, these days are over. Gone is the time when a man could leave his job with nothing to look forward to outside of 14 hours of listlessness and costly human interaction. Due to advances in technology, the common, everyday phone is now our conduit for any sense of purpose. Each chime and vibration tells us we are needed. Put down that book, cretin, and drop that child; your efforts are needed to help someone else make money. There will be plenty of time for relaxation when, at the age of 70, you are cut free and allowed to absorb entertainment passively until your veins are flooded with morphine. Divorced from the distractions of a developed personality, the reward of your final years will be a thick, colorless fog of blissful inactivity. But not until you've earned it by Working from Anywhere.
Think the flow of commerce has any regard for your human concerns? Not when you can Work from Anywhere. Try as you might, there is no escape. 20 years ago, an AT&T commercial had us fantasizing about getting a fax at the beach; today, our betters have global access to us at all time. No excuse can remove you from the sweaty guilt of failing to respond. Every device you touch communicates to the universe your intent to commit the shameful act of doing something other than work. The video game achievements you earn, timestamped and dated, only speak of wasted hours better spent closely studying bar graphs and filing reports. Your social network timeline? Simply a chronology of disrespect for the people who selflessly support your otherwise worthless life by allowing you to keep nearly 20 percent of it. And with each e-mail causing the countless devices around you to glow, hum, and rattle, plausible deniability is now entirely implausible. There is simply no excuse for not working Now (that) You Can Work from Anywhere.
Cut free from the fiction of the 40-hour work week, we can now devote ourselves to humanity's ultimate goal: productivity. And Now You Can Work from Anywhere, this dream is now a glorious reality. Gone is the need to find an identity through expression and art-who has the time? We're all in this Working from Anywhere together, and if you're not part of it, people are going to notice. So buck up, buddy; Now You Can Work from Anywhere, you really won't have to do much else. And, without the fulfillment of meeting constant demands, what could you possibly make of yourself?
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.