When I go to the zoo, the otters come up to the glass and look at me. No, you little shits, I'm here to see you.
I have an ugly hunch that prairie dogs are all connected underground like the world's biggest mushroom.
Go ahead and buy your hamster a big complex of tubes. It's just going to sit in the bottom one looking stupid until you get bored and put it in your asshole.
Horses are for 12-year-old girls with pink stretch pants and thick glasses who are pathologically fascinated with equine sexual majesty.
Yeah, narwhals are pretty funny. Until someone gets hurt.
It should go without saying that the platypus is a fiasco.
A swan is literally just a gay turkey.
But you know what? I can't stay mad at a slow loris.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
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