When I go to the zoo, the otters come up to the glass and look at me. No, you little shits, I'm here to see you.
I have an ugly hunch that prairie dogs are all connected underground like the world's biggest mushroom.
Go ahead and buy your hamster a big complex of tubes. It's just going to sit in the bottom one looking stupid until you get bored and put it in your asshole.
Horses are for 12-year-old girls with pink stretch pants and thick glasses who are pathologically fascinated with equine sexual majesty.
Yeah, narwhals are pretty funny. Until someone gets hurt.
It should go without saying that the platypus is a fiasco.
A swan is literally just a gay turkey.
But you know what? I can't stay mad at a slow loris.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.