When I go to the zoo, the otters come up to the glass and look at me. No, you little shits, I'm here to see you.
I have an ugly hunch that prairie dogs are all connected underground like the world's biggest mushroom.
Go ahead and buy your hamster a big complex of tubes. It's just going to sit in the bottom one looking stupid until you get bored and put it in your asshole.
Horses are for 12-year-old girls with pink stretch pants and thick glasses who are pathologically fascinated with equine sexual majesty.
Yeah, narwhals are pretty funny. Until someone gets hurt.
It should go without saying that the platypus is a fiasco.
A swan is literally just a gay turkey.
But you know what? I can't stay mad at a slow loris.
All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.