This week, State Og would like to apologize to the victims of... wait, there are no victims this week? That can't be right. Let me call in my secretary and double-check.
Well I'll be damned. To be honest I feel really awkard now. These fatalities provide me with my only chance to reach out to other people. I have no one to talk to, and these weekly apologies are all I have to look forward to in between tear-soaked nights and barely eaten bachelor meals. I guess we should just get started.
Carpool Of The Dead
How many times have you been caught up in traffic while heading to or from work, staring longingly at the carpool lane and its sexy promise of a speedier route? 27. We have a guy that's paid very well to keep count of this sort of thing.
How many corpses are being turned away at funeral homes because of overcrowding? I don't know. We had a guy that was supposed to keep count of that sort of thing but we paid him in hats made of iron and eventually their combined weight crushed him. I bet there are a lot though. Let's say there's at least twenty.
So now we agree that we have a bunch of dead people with nowhere to be buried and that you desperately want to ride in the carpool lane. You know what comes next, right? When there's no room in heaven, the dead will ride shotgun.
Some people may find the idea unsettling. Riding in a car with a corpse that just sits there could be really scary, especially if you play a cd with Halloween sound effects everywhere you go. This is why we will equip your corpse with hydraulic parts to simulate a real living person! You'll feel perfectly relaxed as your rotting passenger randomly performs such lifelike tasks as opening and closing its mouth as though talking, turning to stare at you for minutes on end, and patting your head to congratulate you for driving the car well.
The best part of this program is that it will significantly reduce your travel time. Our studies show that drivers using our corpses will zip to their destination twice as fast as the law allows! Wow!
Get Rid Of Those Chapped Lips!
Thousands of years ago, it is said, the great Chtththig the Moist left his ancient accursed temple beyond the reaches of time and space and came to Earth in the form of a plant. His eternal rival, Jfjsst the Dry, followed him here, living as an ill wind that blasted through desolate places, bringing despair and chapped lips to any who were unfortunate enough to be caught in his path. It was only through the ritual and medicinal use of Chtththig that one could be freed from the curse of dry, cracked lips.
Today, of course, we recognize that mighty Chtththig is, in fact, Aloe, and that Jfjsst is nothing more than the spirits of the damned who, in a desperate attempt to live again, penetrate the outermost layers of the skin on the lips, where their hellish internal flame causes lips to lose precious moisture. Regardless of your beliefs, however, chapped lips remain a scourge of mankind.
Chapped lips have, throughout history, driven many to madness, and even death. The dry, flaking, scratchiness of one's own lips weighs heavily upon one's soul, and the incessant urge to bite off tiny bits of dead lip skin has caused countless innocent people to become addicted to self-cannibalism.
Now, though, State Og may have solved the problem of dry lips once and for all. By making use of our new State Og Lip Conditioning Treatment Kit, you may finally free yourself from the horrid curse of Jfjsst!
Just follow these simple instructions:
1) Buy the Kit. You didn't think we were just going to GIVE it to you, did you?
2) Stand in front of a mirror, or some other reflective surface.
3) Open the Kit. This bears mentioning because you are probably an idiot, and need to be told exactly what to do at all times. Inside the Kit you will see five items; the Lip Treatment Device, a small container of Aloe extract, a roll of gauze bandage, a small roll of tape, and a cigarette lighter.
4) Take the Lip Treatment Device (also known as a "shard of broken mirror") in your non-dominant hand.
5) Now use the gauze to bandage your bleeding non-dominant hand. Once you have done so, apply a liberal amount of tape to the sharp edges of the bottom half of the Lip Treatment Device to form a grip.
6) Take the Lip Treatment Device in your dominant hand.
7) Stick out your lower lip as far as possible.
8) Using our patented method of "slashing quickly at your protruding lip," use the Lip Treatment Device to completely remove your lower lip.
9) Repeat steps 7 and 8, but now with your upper lip.
10) Quickly take the cigarette lighter, ignite it, and apply the flame to the bleeding areas where your lips used to be. Continue until the flesh is complexly seared, and the bleeding stops.
11) Now apply the Aloe extract to your hideously burnt lips. It should feel pretty good right now. Praise Chtththig!
12) Drive back to the store to buy more bandages to put on the undoubtedly numerous other cuts on your face and possibly neck, since we didn't include enough gauze in the Kit to bandage both your hand AND your face.
13) Enjoy your new life, free forever from chapped lips!- State Og Representative
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!