War: What is it Good For? State Og, That's What.
As a war with Iraq becomes an increasingly real proposition, people the world over grow more and more tense every day, and soon they will become infinitely more tense. Or dead, and therefore not tense at all. You see, as part of our commitment to the American people to profit off of all horrific acts, State Og has been chosen to design and supply military equipment and strategies to the U.S. and Iraq (don't tell anyone about the Iraq thing). We even have a new product-selling catchphrase that we think will go over well: "War: It's what just blew your fucking arm off!" Thanks to Gary "Gary Morris" Morris (Little Big Horn, Montana), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Gettysburg, Pennsylvania), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (ice planet Hoth).
Guns for Tots
Wartime may be quickly approaching, but are we really prepared? Will our country be caught with its pants down? Not if we can help it!
Our top scientists have been brainstorming literally since lunchtime on ways to better improve our military capabilities both at home and abroad, and the conclusion they reached is this: The U.S. Military may have all the laser-guided missiles, asphalt-crushing tanks, and alien-borne radar jamming technology it needs, but they ignore the use of America's most greatest of natural resources - its children.
Starting February 10th of this year, State Og will be nationally drafting youths from the ages of 2-8 to be mandatorally enrolled in a department of our new "Kombat Kiddies" program. New recruits will be given a brief physical and then sent immediately to the Kombat Kiddies headquarters in Knobsville, Pennsylvania, where they will be assigned to one of several combat divisions:
Toddler Brigade: Recruits in the Toddler Brigade will be vigorously trained in the combat disciplines of "crawling-really-fast-up-to-some-guy-and-putting-a-grenade-in-his-boot" and "pants pissing." The versatility of "pants pissing" in the battlefield has not yet been fully explored by the U.S. Military, and it is only now that we begin to fully understand its possibilities.
Munchkin Manufacturers: A large amount of draftees will be stationed inside our Munchkin Factory located several hundred feet below the basement of our Knobsville headquarters, in which a variety of important military equipment will be produced; ranging from high-quality genuine leather "War Wallets" to comfortable and competitively priced "Sneakers."
Tiny Torpedoes: If there's one thing we know about children, it's that they are all natural-born swimmers and have the ability to breathe underwater. Needless to say, we have several promising ideas!
Any General worth his puffy director pants will tell you where the single largest concentration of enemy troops is: in hospitals. We have our piles and piles of sissy ballistic missiles and fruity little .223 caliber rifle rounds to thank for that. Quite frankly, the Army's inability to finish the job is appalling. Why, it almost put us off our collective lunches.
That's why the good people at State Og have developed The Finalizer. The Finalizer is a self-guided rocket that seeks out hospitals and delivers a massive payload of napalm and attack Dobermans! We guarantee that nothing that gets out alive will want to remain that way for long. The Finalizer is a fire and forget weapon, so you'll never have to worry about aiming it. In fact, we've forgotten about a few of them in central Wisconsin, so heads up, cheeseheads!
Like all State Og military equipment, The Finalizer has been extensively tested on local Girl Scout / Girl Guide troops. Despite one incident where the Girl Guides deflected a Finalizer into a nearby convent using an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys, these tests all resulted in spectacular annihilation.
Let the State Og Finalizer clean up the loose ends in your next war!
The Most Advanced Weapon Ever Created
Today there is a new era of artillery with the launch of State Og's Orbital Bombardment Platform. The $167 trillion satellite employs all the latest sensor, targeting and maneuvering technology to be the most accurate weapon in existence.
The awesome power of the Orbital Bombardment Platform is truly realized when one considers its payload: 12 wooden sticks, all sharpened to dangerous pointiness. The system has already been used to jab spacewalkers in the ribs, an experience they described as "really annoying", and they asked us to "cut it out."
The sophisticated targeting system means that any eye on the planet may be put out, or possibly both of them. In testing, a half dozen Girl Guides were blinded while they were moving door-to-door. It was pretty funny, what with the dropped cookies and staggering into traffic. The Orbital Bombardment Platform: it will change the way warfare fares.
Humanitarian Aid, at Several Thousand Feet Per Second
State Og is well aware of the need to rebuild a nation after it is horribly crushed by military might, largely because some nations just don't know when to stay out of our affairs. The citizens of bombed out cities need food and water and Pepsi: the choice of a new generation. Yet supply lines are dicey at best, especially if all the hospitals have been destroyed in brutal napalm attacks.
That's why we are offering State Og Aid Tanks. State Og Aid Tanks are filled with everything a war-torn society needs: bread, water, medical supplies, pudding cups, individually wrapped saltines, jeans, smut and, of course, Pepsi: the choice of a new generation.
Delivery of these aid packages is true to State Og's trademark hyper efficiency, as the Tank is actually a tank, with armor plating thick enough to protect all that valuable smut and treads that will crush anything opposing aid package delivery. Distribution is quick as well, utilizing a powerful cannon to fire aid directly into the needy. Never again will aid fail to reach its goal, as the Aid Tank can put a loaf of bread through a 3 foot stone wall.
The State Og Aid Tank is the most efficient delivery system in the world; in residential testing it successfully deployed an entire case of Girl Guide cookies through several homes before the local Girl Guides could sell their first box. Take that, Girl Guides.
Don't half-ass your next humanitarian mission: use a State Og Aid Tank and ensure that it's done right.
Operation: Human Shield
Amazingly, not everyone enjoys war, and some even condemn it. There have been a number of U.S. citizens banding together as "human shields" to protest a war they don't agree with, and to "protect" the citizens of Iraq. We at State Og find these people very funny indeed, and support their efforts. After all, a group of hippies / idealistic college students desperately trying to find a Starbucks while actually endangering U.S. troops and Iraqi civilians alike is a very amusing prospect.
To aid these fine people, State Og has developed the Human Shield Combat Mask! Able to travel discreetly in Armani luggage and survive even the bumpiest first class plane trip to Iraq, our HSCMs are rugged and valuable. Once the Human Shields assemble and find themselves in an actual warzone, they will simply unzip the HSCM pouch. Inside they will find: one (1) heavy duty plastic bag and one (1) extra large rubber band. Human Shields will then fasten the bag over their head, making sure it covers all available breathing orifices, then use the rubber band to secure the open end around their neck. After all, we wouldn't want it to fall or get shot off, would we?
After the HSCM does its job and the Human Shields are put to the death they purportedly are brave enough to endure, U.S. soldiers can get back to shooting innocent people at random for absolutely no reason, raping the dead, and making cowboyish "whoop!" noises as they steal every drop of Iraq's precious, precious oil in their helmets; all without worrying about the peaceniks finding out that's exactly the sole purpose they had for invading. You're next, fucking Switzerland, with your delicious chocolate just out of reach because of that ocean and those countries seperating you from the U.S. State Og declares you in breach of making us hungry, an act punishable by The Finalizer.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!