In the last installment of VGA, I poked fun at Electronic Gaming Monthly and the 1UP website/podcast network. In the two weeks that have passed, EGM has been canned after 20 years in print and 1UP has been bought up by UGO, nearly all of its staff fired and escorted from the building by security.
For this, I apologize. I momentarily forgot the tremendous power contained within my words. Dozens of people have lost their jobs as a result of my harsh but well-meaning jabs.
In an unrelated sidenote, Gamespot is exclusively staffed by people who smell like patchouli, no one has cared about PC Gamer since Gary Whitta left as the editor-in-chief and every issue went from the size of a phone book to the size of a tourism brochure for the world's smallest town, IGN seems to have no copy editors, the Shacknews guys are good friends of Something Awful but I'm sorry to say that they put so much time into their site because they're under house arrest for setting cancer clinics on fire, Gamespy is entirely too green, Kotaku is less green but even uglier, and UGO is IGN with less substance, which is sort of like saying a Big Mac is a Whopper without quite so much caviar.
If anything should happen to these video game news outlets, let it be known that Video Game Article is for sale, and can fill the void left behind immediately. We can adapt to any format, from blog to extreme gaming lifestyle portal to tombstone epitath carvings.
As for the quality of writing that you'll get in the deal? I may not put things eloquently, but I put things. More importantly, I've learned that pouring as much creativity and effort as you can muster into an article will get you a handful of e-mails correcting "mistakes" that were meant as jokes, but coming up with an article named 50 Game Characters With Sunglasses and putting forth just enough effort to make sure that it has 50 entries will net you tons of traffic from Digg and the other social networking sites that have somehow managed to make the internet worse than it was five years ago.
If you buy Video Game Article, I will put that knowledge to work for you. I've already stashed away enough Digg-baiting article ideas to keep advertisers happy for the first month of business.
- Top 12 Final Fantasy Final Bosses In No Particular Order
- 8 Reasons Why Megan Fox In A Bikini Has Nothing To Do With Video Games
- 50 Ways To Make Gold In World Of Warcraft That Involve Doing Quests Or Selling Inventory Items
- Top 30 Buttons On Controllers
- Text Adventure Gaming's 10 Hottest Babes
- XKZP (a "geek humor" stick figure webcomic combined with a yellow background and a fast-talking voiceover artist with some sort of accent)
- Top 3,000 Screenshots Of Street Fighter IV That Have Been Released In The Last Month
- 32 Hottest Girl Gamers That Just Want To Be Treated With Equality
- 10 Things To Hold Onto While Standing On A Wii Fit Board So You Don't Fall Over
- Top 18 Variations Of "That Was What You Call A De-Cleater!" As Recorded By John Madden
- 5 Xbox Live Arcade Games You Can Beat While Waiting For Your PS3 To Complete Its Software Update
- The 25 Best Retro T-Shirts That Feature A Super Mario Mushroom, The Konami Code, Or A D-Pad
- Top 7 DMCA Petitions That Sort Of Look Like Breasts If You Squint While Looking At Certain Paragraphs
- Top 14 Games That Let You Punch Dogs Pretty Much Whenever You Want
- 20 Tops And 3 Dreidels
Penny-Arcade: On The Rain-Slick Precipice Of Darkness: Episode 2
Improves on the first installment in many ways, including the Episode number (that was a math joke, a bit of geek culture humor for XKCD fans). 8/10
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The cutting edge of video game articles.