AMF Extreme Bowling Is Almost Here
You can stop sending me all those e-mails now, because AMF Extreme Bowling is finally hitting store shelves in mere days! The single most anticipated release since Paintbrawl Extreme, AMF Extreme Bowling is poised to become the best selling game of all time. We've read the previews, downloaded the trailers and watched them countless times, and daydreamed about what it would be like to play the game. Now all that's left is to camp out at our local software retailer and pray that we're lucky enough to walk away with a copy of the game in hand.
Good luck everyone, we'll have live coverage of Extreme Bowling's launch day and our first impressions of the instant classic as soon as possible!
Touching Is Good, Stealing Is Bad
Over 12,000 black Nintendo DS lite units have been stolen in Hong Kong while en route to Europe. Nintendo is confident that they will recoup the lost profits from these stolen systems when the people who come to own them purchase entirely legitimate and legal DS games. In Hong Kong.
Hitman: Blood Money v1.2
This update to Hitman: Blood Money fixes a number of bugs and improves a numerous aspects of gameplay, making your time as a remorseless killer as enjoyable as possible.
- When pushed into an open furnace, npcs no longer giggle
- Easter Egg: Crouching while you walk backwards in a circle will make 47 look like a total dumbass
- Added the Oversized Box Of Confections weapon and Death By Chocolate kill rating
- Instead of simply killing an npc and stealing his clothes, players can now hollow out a corpse and wear it as some sort of wrinkly freakshow disguise. This disguise will give you instant access to the burn victim ward of any hospital in the game.
- After receiving numerous complaints about its frustrating level of difficulty, the parallel parking test has been removed
- If someone witnesses one of your murders, the game will cut to a six minute long cinematic of keystone cops chasing you around the current level as you nervously look over your shoulder with comically large eyes
- Fixed a bug where killing the newspaper editor would result in the post-level recap newspaper screen being blank, essentially blocking you from continuing. The newspaper will now read "AAAARGH!"
- Silenced pistols no longer have kazoos taped to their air vents
- Added an emote which makes 47 smile sheepishly and shrug. When activated, any npcs who see you commit a hit will laugh and shake their head, saying "Oh, you adorable little scamp! Is there any trouble you won't get into?"
- Collecting 100 gold coins now earns you an extra life
- Changed the barcode tattoo on the back of 47's head. It turns out after all these years that the code was an actual product bar for a bag of charcoal. It is now the product code for a can of green beans, as was originally intended.
- Fixed a glitch where poisoned targets would take an extraordinarily long time to die and recite lengthy portions from the final act of Mac Beth
- When the game was released, the best rating you could get in a level was Silent Assassin. This was attainable by completing all objectives, killing all of your targets, leaving no witnesses, and making little to no noise. We have now added an even better rating, Patient Assassin. In order to score this holy grail of accomplishments, you will have to bump into every non-target npc in the game and apologize, then wait for your targets to die of natural causes.
Because when you think of Jaws, the first thing that comes to mind is collecting keycards and fighting a corporation. 2/10
Rise & Fall: Civilizations At War
You got your third person action in my real-time strategy, and I got my sloppy game design in your boring gameplay. 5/10
Secrets Of Da Vinci: The Forbidden Manuscript
Da Vinci's biggest secret: his goal in life was for his name to be used to sell horrible books, movies, and games. 5/10
This is a really great motorcycle racing game, but even a great motorcycle race isn't as much fun as a bad unicycle race. 8/10
AND 1 Streetball
And 1 more horrible game takes up permament residence in your local game store's discount bin. 2/10
Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories
If you play only one PS2 port of a PSP game with absolutely no upgrades this year, I guess this will have to be it. 7/10
When the racing segments are the worst parts of your racing game, you're either doing something horribly wrong or working on a movie tie-in. 3/10
Major League Baseball 2K6
If you're totally into mediocre baseball games that have already been available on other consoles for several months, this game will blow your freaking mind. 7/10
Metal Gear Solid Digital Graphic Novel
Read a digitized comic book drawn by an overrated artist and search every pixel for meaningless hidden items, or save $20 and get the same experience by poring over your old Youngblood comics with a magnifying glass. 4/10
There's nothing funny about five of the best shooters of all time packed into one release, but this review would have been so hilarious if this collection had included six of the best shooters. 8/10
This game is so generic and paint-by-the-numbers that they might as well have just sold a piece of cardboard reading: "Remember all those rpgs you played before? Yeah, those were pretty cool." 4/10
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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