This article is part of the Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews series.
May has been a trying month for Shaggy Butte's resident fountain fanatics. Drought restrictions have resulted in many popular fountains running dry, and penny-pinching businesses have cut back on fountain upkeep. In the end, many once-promising bubblers are now serving up some truly sour sips. -Spout.ly Senior Editor Chris Bluefield
"I was power-sipping so hard, I accidentally sucked the bubbler head clean off. Not the first time I've done that, and definitely a clear indicator this fountain is poorly maintained. Taste was mediocre at past, so not worth the dental damage." -Sip 'n' Slide
"Was hoping for a real sip du jour, but got a stinker instead. This fountain is missing its bubbler head, so I had to practically press my face flat against the spout. It's a real tongue teaser for sure. The flavor was similar to that of a stagnant pond, which, frankly, I have no taste for." -Born Chuggin'
"What used to be a monument to the mankind's boundless artistry now stands as an abomination, and definitive proof there is no god. The flavor went from pristine glacier to badger urine in a matter of weeks. Invigorating, but not refreshing. May the men responsible be executed for their crimes." -Moist Man
"The real clowns are the ones maintaining this fountain. With such poor water and mechanics, no one will ever come back to this stupid place. I hope it burns down, and all the clown history and memorabilia is lost to the flames. They deserve it for allowing this great fountain to fall so far from grace." -Inflow
"At first I thought I was in heaven, but it turned out to be hell. So many wasted fountains. The owner claims they are display models, but they display no water when activated. Hey, idiot, you have a hundred fountains. Hook them all up and create the ultimate hangout for us fountain enthusiasts." -Gusher
"There is one fountain in the back that works, if you can call shotgunning lukewarm mineral paste all over the place working. I gave the owner a piece of my mind, and he 'banned me' while faking a heart attack. He did me a favor. The store's been closed for at least a week ever since." -Hydrat0r
"The paranoid patrons of this baby furniture store complained about the lines of men forming around the drinking fountain. Some of us choose more noble pursuits than producing useless offspring, such as evaluating drinking fountains, a source of life-giving water. As for this fountain, the acrid tap water flavor is hardly worth the peanut gallery's scornful looks." -The Gulpsman
"I came here to buy a crib, but got distracted by the fountain. The taste was immediately unpleasant, but I hung around trying it for another hour. If you've ever tried your urine after eating a whole thing of asparagus, it's a lot like that. By then the store was closing and the manager refused to stay open any longer to sell me a crib. What a terrible business." -BigSlurper
"Where do I begin? There is half a human finger in the basin, and what's left of the push bar is covered in blood. Definitely a health hazard for sure. The taste was very salty, similar to seawater. The pink eye I got didn't help matters." -Swigga Please
"I decided to brave this fountain, and was not rewarded. A man interrupted me to retrieve his finger, which he had left in the basin. The water itself felt very heavy with spigmata, and big chucks no less! I ended up cutting my gums on whatever was in that water. Because of this, I probably won't try it again." -Sip-n-Rip
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Reviews of Shaggy Butte's drinking fountains, from Spout.ly and other rival sites.