I only watched Sunday's miserable Oscars broadcast as an excuse to order a pizza and I was still disappointed. It was bad for everyone involved and easily the most embarrassing thing Alec Baldwin has done not involving his daughter and Ambien.
The results were predictable, the comedy was lame and directionless, and the acceptance speeches could not be played off by music quickly enough. In case you managed to cling to a reason to love life there was a ten minute dance number in the middle to leave you a joyless husk wishing for the sweet release of oblivion.
All of that can be discarded in one paragraph to make room for the real entertainment: snake-crazy aging super model Kathy Ireland. The former swimsuit model and star of Alien from L.A. was one of three hosts during the interminable red carpet pre-show. Kathy was partnered with certified world's stupidest lady Sherri Shepherd and some gray-haired man with an encyclopedic knowledge of Sandra Bullock.
Throughout this show Kathy behaved like a soldier staggering out of a bunker after a prolonged artillery barrage only to realize someone has glued a microphone to his hand and is forcing him to ask Mariah Carey about shoes. Kathy clopped around and posed unnaturally, speaking each word as if it were a fossil she wanted to dust off and preserve.
During camera cuts she turned sideways to show off her long limbs and her most recent meal slowly digesting in one of her nine stomachs. She has also grown an additional three to four inches of neck length and her mouth appears designed, and possibly controlled, by committee.
Most of you probably remember Kathy like this:
Kathy looks very sweet and naturally attractive in that video from 1993. Back then she was the sort of girl, as one of the youtube commentators notes, that you "would not mind hearing and smelling her beautiful....farts. Yelp her farts. I just want to get my face in her ass and smell her natural ass perfume from that hot ass. Women as attractive as her have the hottest and best-smelling farts. Just hearing her fart and then smelling those hot, sexy gases will definiately make me horny!"
As much as I would like to yelp Kathy's retro farts, I am more concerned with how Kathy Ireland disappeared in 1998 and reappeared over a decade later transformed into a lithe monster. My first stop was Kathy's website, which looks like the sort of website a replacement window company in Indiana would have upgraded five years ago.
According to the site Kathy's mission is "...finding solutions for families, especially busy moms." These include childproofing your home so your baby doesn't eat knives, buying a wedding ring, and "legwear solutions," which turns out to be a link to buy Kathy Ireland brand socks. Ladies, if you need pants, too bad. Kathy wants you to wear socks and nothing else.
Lame entrepreneurship and basic knowledge doesn't really strike me as a sufficient explanation for her behavior on the red carpet. I thought tracking down some of Kathy's other appearances in recent years on TV and elsewhere might produce more insight.
Kathy made a Youtube video in 2008 explaining her faith. According to Kathy, her mom snuck a Bible into Kathy's bag when she was traveling and she read it and Jesus became her Lord.
Doctor Ben Carson, Popeye's survivor, has some advice about school shootings, terrorists on airplanes, chopping malls, and more perilous scenarios.
With all these great tats, it's safe to say I'm the most unique person on earth. Which sounds great, until you realize how lonely it is.
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