At a Glance:After years of drought for fans of magical daughter-raising simulations the wait is finally over! Well, okay, the wait was over almost a decade ago when this game originally came out. But, the wait is still over because once fans of the genre finally get something as fundamentally bizarre as a magical daughter-raising simulator their brains and penises simultaneously exploded. Ah Japan, I don't know what I would do without your new and creepy twists on child molestation and incest! Maybe lead a normal and well-adjusted life, but hey, I'll never fucking know anything about that.

Language: English.

Sexual Content: Underage topless quasi-incest porn.

Peter From Jast USA Says: Pending.


This is your daughter in her "summer dress".Game Concept: The title alone of "Princess Maker 2" is disturbing because it implies that there was a Princess Maker 1 and it was successful enough to merit a sequel. Don't even get me started on the fact that somewhere out there in a land of wind, ghosts, and penis-shaped giant clits there is a Princess Maker 3. For the rest of us subsisting on nearly decade old quasi-hentai games about raising daughters we will just have to make do with Princess Maker 2 for the time being.

The story of Princess Maker 2 is told in a halting and almost stunningly dull introduction. It takes about half of a fucking hour to read about your character being a great warrior and friend of the king who finds some magical girl floating down from the sky. To be quite honest, I could not stand to read it all. It was like being slapped in the brain repeatedly by a cackling stereotypical Chinese man, if only because Chinese stereotypes are much more clearly and hilariously realized in my mind than Japanese. Once you labor past the setup for one long punch line at your expense you get to dive head first into a dizzying array of menus and options.

Princess Maker 2 is basically a perverse sports management simulation where your entire team consists of a single ten year old girl that you have to raise to adulthood. Much like any decent sports manager game you have to keep track of a nearly overwhelming number of statistics that fluctuate based on training. In Princess Maker 2 these run the gamut from the mundane like "strength" and "charisma", to the droll like "cooking" and "conversation", to the bizarre like "sin" and "temper". Initially the game only forces you to grapple with about ten of these attributes, but as things progress and your lovely daughter grows into a young woman you face an ever growing list of wacky new attributes that need raisin' quicker than an Amish barn.

You go about improving your daughter's skills and attributes by enrolling her in school, having her work at various jobs, or exploring a really awful RPG like environment. Pretty much everything you do raises one or two attributes while lowering one or two attributes so the game becomes a tedious balancing act of cycling through various activities to make sure your little girl advances across the board. All of this is weighed against a hideous attribute called "stress" that will be your enemy. Just about everything you do in the game increases your daughter's stress. When her stress reaches a certain level she revolts and gets sassy, forcing you to discipline her by locking her in her room and watching her attributes regress towards infancy. If you really don't care you can work your daughter to death and the game does everything to try to bum you out about how mean you're being to her.

Of the three methods for improving your daughter the most beneficial overall is school. There are a wide variety of classes ranging from magic and combat classes to science, dancing, and poetry. None of these jack the stress up too bad and those that reduce attributes reduce them at a much lower rate than they're increasing another. The downside is that your daughter is blowing massive amounts of cash on the education, which means you'll need to put her to work in the salt mines (read: graveyard) to earn her keep. The jobs stress poor fragile baby out a lot, and if she sucks at a particular job it will take about a thousand attempts before she actually makes any money. Usually by the time you've scraped together enough cash to get her into another class she's so fucking stressed out of her gigantic gourd that you have to drop all the money on cake to calm her shit down.

"OH GOD I'M FREAKING OUT I HATE MY JOB!"

"Ooooh, a whole cake, I feel better now and I only gained 2.2 pounds."

Wha' happened? I can't do my worrrk!Princess Maker 2 manages to simultaneously be the least disturbing and most disturbing hentai game. Everything within it is reassuringly normal on the surface, but all the same everything seems to have a caveat. You can purchase lovely cotton dresses for your daughter or you can fight with her weight trying to pour her pasty ass into a leather dominatrix outfit. AT AGE THIRTEEN. No bitch, I don't care how stressed out you are from ghostbusting in the graveyard, you're laying off the cake and you're on a diet until I can cram your ass into the "spikey dress" that lowers your "morals" rating.

On top of all of the statistics in the game you have to carefully monitor what your daughter eats lest she balloon up to the obese weight of 125 pounds and doom you from ever cramming her into anything more risqué than a priest's cassock. Even though it calms her down, you will deprive her of fucking fish because it adds a quarter of a pound to her weight. Besides, locking her in her room for a month straight is a lot cheaper than buying 500 dollar fish dinners and it's definitely a lot easier on the waistline.

Speaking of waistlines, your daughter's waist isn't the only important measurement. For no apparent reason you can force feed your daughter breast-enlargement pills. They don't actually change the way she looks but if you want to jack your dick raw looking at the number representing her tits go up then have at it Pedro. Unfortunately, though the game includes a hips measurement there are no over-the-counter "ass pills" anywhere in the kingdom.

One area which I will grudgingly give the game credit in is distracting you from the tedium of the endless grind of education and work for your daughter by introducing about a dozen tedious and endless mini-games. Most of these mini-games take place during the annual harvest festival, and believe me when I say that they're "mini" but using the word "game" is being extremely generous. For example, the dance contest at the harvest festival involves you watching every single other girl in the entire kingdom dance before seeing your own daughter do her routine. You don't even push a button throughout all this. You just sit back and hope that the thirty cakes, twenty tit pills, and two years of dance classes finally pay off.

Action in the game is generally presented in one of two ways. If it's a conversation it is conveyed via traditional RPG-style text boxes with a downright pathetic looking portrait of the character blabbering pointlessly next to their text. Very rarely you can effect the outcome of a conversation. The other type of action is what I like to call "sprite theater". The dance contest, the class rooms, the jobs; they all take place in a little 300 pixel wide box that pops up. Inside the box, characters wander around on a 5-second looping schedule with all of the photorealism of a Livejournal animated GIF festival. This would be tolerable if you could skip it. Instead you have to sit there and watch three or four minutes of tiny, low resolution, looping animation whenever your daughter goes to work or class. The dance contest is definitely the longest and most insulting of all of these.

If you're particularly masochistic you can explore the small RPG portions of the game in search of fame and fortune. These are wholly inept with about two frames of animation for walking, none for combat, and a menagerie of monsters that makes the color-coded rainbow coalition of the original Diablo look like a photobook by the Darwin Society. We meet again mantis creature! I see you still have not learned from your mistakes! I also see one use of "magic" will kill you with no explanation other than text telling me how much damage you suffered. Occasionally you will face townsfolk in a combat version of the "sprite theater" that is every bit as clumsy and laughable as it sounds. Think old Final Fantasy style with only two options ("magic" or "attack"), no strategy, no risk (you can't die in these fights), and absolutely no fun.

In addition to the disturbing cheesecake factor of the limited number of bondage costumes you can put your daughter in there's also the heartwarming fact that as she ages you can also get her involved in increasingly suspect job opportunities. The two main shady jobs for her are as a "fun times girl" at a sleazy bar and as a waitress at a cabaret club. Even more disturbing are the rare special events that allow you to rent your daughter out to a rich man as a prostitute, repeatedly whore her to supernatural creatures, or arrange a marriage to a dragon or demon. None of the sex is graphic at all and the only nudity in the game is a tiny bit of bare breasts that you really have to dig to find. HOWEVER! This is appalling because you can see said breasts when she is identified onscreen, simultaneously no less, as being well under 18. Let's all just pretend I'm really fucking drunk and that this game somehow qualifies as "art" so that I can live out my life having never stared at child pornography.



Difficulty: It took me over 6 hours to play through this game. If I live to be 80 - and that's really being generous with my lifespan - I will enjoy 700,800 hours of fresh air and beating heart. Thanks to this game I can now revise that number to under 700,794 and that is fucking inexcusable. You may be wondering what throwing my life away for cheap laughs has to do with the difficulty of Princess Maker 2. To answer your unasked question; everything. The game is purely a test of endurance. The game challenges you by asking "do you have what it takes to watch GIFs twitch around for 6 hours?" and entices you with the dangled carrot of pseudo-incest soft core underage pornography. Bring out that steam shovel Princess Maker 2! If that's my reward I will beat it to the other side of the mountain with just a spade and a pickaxe!

Defining Moment: After I slaved away forcing my daughter to scare away monsters in the graveyard I had scrimped together enough cash to buy her the dominatrix costume. Unfortunately, because of the grueling work of shuffling around slightly in tiny GIF form my daughter had been emotionally traumatized repeatedly. To quiet her complaints it had been necessary to lock her in her room for months and feed her cakes and fish. This resulted in the dreaded weight gain. This meant that she had packed the pounds in until she was a bloated, corpulent, 126 pounds of lard and could no longer fit into her extremely expensive S&M gear. The crash diet that followed claimed my poor daughter's life. Baby, why do you make daddy hurt you like that?! You know I'm sorry, but why you got to be like that? Now you can have all the cakes you want in heaven!!

Final Thoughts: If you don't have a copy of this game to torture yourself with, but for some reason you find yourself craving Princess Maker 2, then might a suggest a precisely identical experience. Find a patch of poison ivy, strip naked, and roll around in it until you actually feel the rash forming. When you're good and itchy start scratching. No calamine or anything similar, just tear bloody runnels in your flesh with your ragged fingernails while you stare at pictures of congenital birth defects in a medical text book. Princess Maker 2 is a horrible, horrible, horrible game, but it's also fairly addictive in much the same way as scratching a hideous flesh-destroying rash is. And harlequin fetus is about as attractive as your freak-headed sorta-daughter topless at age 14.

Graphics:- 10
Gameplay:- 5
Story:- 5
Sexual Deviance:- 7
Fun:- 8
Overall:- 35

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

Do you have a Hentai / Anime question? Feel free to head on over and post it in the SA Anime Forums!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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About This Column

Hentai Games are by and large a unique perversion of the Japanese, although many of them have been translated to English for the enjoyment of equally perverse Americans and possibly the British and Australians. The games generally involve trying to have sex with poorly drawn cartoon women by using incoherently shitty pick up lines or violence. We have created this section in an effort to catalogue these high quality games. Some of the pages may not be safe to read at work although we have attempted to censor the really bad stuff (all of it).

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