Jarvis Products Corporation, submitted by Scott. Today's link is unlike most previous ALoDs, particularly in the fact that it is not awful, but instead awfully neat. The Jarvis Products Corporation manufactures the absolute scariest meat processing tools and devices, objects with names straight out of "Silent Hill" or "Mario Sunshine." You've got to love a site which has frontpage news like the following:

** Jarvis Introduces Spinal Cord Removers for Grinding Away BSE Risk Material

Jarvis Products Corporation of Middletown, Connecticut has recently introduced two new types of spinal cord removers - the Model SPC 165G (pneumatic) and Model SHC 165G (hydraulic).

** Automatic Hog Splitter Cuts Them Straight Down The Middle!

Jarvis Products Corporation. Jarvis has started to manufacture its Model JCK-1 Automatic Hog Splitter. The JCK-1 incorporates the latest, patented technology in automatic hog splitting, including a five axis computerized mechanism capable of splitting a maximum 650 hogs per hour - regardless of size or weight.

**SEC 400 Carcass Splitting Circular Saw

Jarvis Products Corporation. Jarvis produces the electric powered Model SEC 400 Carcass Splitting Circular Saw – the latest technology for hog splitting on gambels. Especially designed for splitting butcher hogs and sows, the SEC 400 is powered by a sealed, five horsepower electric motor for ultimate performance.

But wait, that's not all! Jarvis has a huge line of death-inducing products which includes but is not limited to the following excellent items: Head Cutters, Head Splitters, Lung Guns, Semi-Automatic Neck Breakers, Neck Bone Saws, Beef Stunners, Spinal Cord Removers, and Carcass Vacuums! Did you read that correctly? SEMI-AUTOMATIC NECK BREAKERS! I'm not sure if this page will convert anybody to vegetarianism or just gross out all those weed-eating hippies, but I know one thing is for sure: I gotta get me a head splitter pronto! I'm putting it on my Amazon wish list.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful