The End Time Message

As the seasons change and the days grow shorter, my mind turns to a simple thought: Armageddon. I watch the leaves fall from their branches, and I think of God raining down destruction on our heathen earth. So it's no surprise that many of the Awful Links that have grabbed my attention lately contain warnings about the coming apocalypse!

Like the previous ALOD Almighty Wind, The End Time Message is written by someone with a direct link to GOD (to His credit, God finally got in touch with someone who halfway figured out web design). Also, Barack Obama wants to kill everyone because he "has an evil gene" and works for Satan, but that probably goes without saying at this point.

Anyway, unlike Almighty Wind, The End Time Message isn't all about animated GIFs and vaguely headlined prophecies. Instead, it's presented in an easy-to-read "Newsflash" format, which basically gives you everything you need to know about what God's up to right now. Like, for example, did you know that God just said all the positions in Hell have been filled? That's just God's way of letting you know where the jobs are, in these tough economic times. Good looking out, omnipotent being.

Anyway, God is really concerned with a lot of things right now. Primarily, God wants you to watch out for Phillip Hitler. Phillip who?, I'm sure you find yourself asking. Philip Hitler, longest-reigning member of the British monarchy. He's a devious dude. He secretly bought Microsoft and replaced their logo with one that references the slave ships. Why would he do this? Because he seriously loves the fucking slave trade, obviously. I mean, how else would we get Cadbury Crème Eggs?

Oh, by the way, remember that song that asked "What If God Was One of Us"? Well, now you know what it would be like if He were, because, like all of us, God loves Nas. No word yet regarding God's take on noted Nas rival J-Hova.

– Daryl "Fucking" Hall