MoonStones... (yes, the ellipsis is part of the name) is a small New Age-y store in the Pittsburgh area with the tagline "A Metaphysical Haven." Its website is all kinds of horrible, featuring overstretched images with a heinous amount of jpeg artifacts, pages that go nowhere, and a criminal overuse of Comic Sans. It is the perfect visual approximation of the mind of its kooky owner, Amy.
After bidding you "Celestial Salutations" on the homepage, she makes a bit of an odd segue:
Greetings all!!! For any of you that have been following the poorly written soap opera that is my life...
Boy, who hasn't?! What follows is a LiveJournal entry about her dearly departed dad. I'm no marketing expert, but I'm pretty sure a business page isn't the right venue for a eulogy. Save it for the Moonie Mumblings page!
Going "through the doors" takes you to a listing of everything the store offers: wands, tarot cards, jewelry, and all kinds of holistic crap. Don't bother clicking on any of the links, because nearly all of them lead to empty pages. Which begs the question, why bother making those pages to begin with??
Out of 30 merch links, this is the only one that works. Please enjoy the "Xtraordinary Groovaliciousness" of this faerie box!
Like any store, MoonStones... is always trying to woo customers with great deals:
Best of all we offer the totally and completely free "Feel Good Deal" You come in -you hang for a bit and feel the tense melt off. You may have had a crap day- but by the time you walk back out again- Life is Good!
Try price-matching that, Walmart.
The "Who Are We" page gives you the lowdown on Amy and her employees, including the store's real owner - her cat!!! Surprisingly, that mom joke isn't even the biggest groaner on the site. That distinction belongs to the "celestial hours of operation," featuring "Thorsday" and "Saturnday." Ughhhh.
You may have noticed the little guy made of rocks on the bottom of every page. That's "Inukshuk," an ancient Intuit stone idol who guides people home. Rocks are sort of MoonStones...'s "thing." There's a class you can take on "Magik and Mythical Rocks":
Yep- that is right- rocks! If you take a multi vitamin you are ingesting approximately 80% of its content in rocks (actually minerals)! From pre-historic times (napping obsidian or flint for tools) to Biblical times (The breast-plate of the High Priest Aaron) to today (Crystal crunchers) rocks have held us spell bound. From the bright and flashy to the dull and lumpy- we can feel their energy and recognize their worth. Come on in and make friends with some rocks!
From the lowliest pebble to the radical rocks of A'ggrocrag, rocks have been delighting the world for millennia. And they have cool powers too?!? Hell yeah!!! Strap yourselves in and get ready to learn!!!
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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