I love romance novels. But, I hate reading explicit descriptions of sexual intercourse. Also, I am extremely stupid - just a big old dummy. That's why today's theme, brought to you by BYOB, is perfect for me! It's PG Romance Novels in Simple English.
Sam Dice leaned forward so that his body was closer to my body. I could see him pretty well at this distance, now. I began to enjoy his nice hair and good smile. He said, "I want to hold hands with you, in a way that tells the others around us we're serious boyfriend-and-girlfriend style." I could smell him, which was good.
City of Glompton
She was plain, but not really, as anyone with eyes could see. Today that anyone was a man named Matt, who definitely had eyes, two of the, and they were good eyes. They were blue like his blue shirt, and they could see that the plain girl was actually very pretty. He liked her for this, because he felt smart to notice she was pretty when other people did not. He would use this special knowledge to win her affection, because he would be the one to tell her the truth about her being pretty, and not plain as she imagines.
We began to do things in a kissing-type way. His hands got up against some parts of my body, and my hands touched parts of his body, too. As well as being nice and having a good colour, his hair felt nice. My fingers got a good sensation when they touched the hair that Sam Dice had. It was yellow-coloured. I also touched his coat.
Here are the things about the romance:
1. It was good.
2. He was rich, and she worked at a magazine, or similar.
3. There was a horse once.
Jack Nance was handsome. He looked like the the guy on the cover of the book. The guy on the horse. The other guy on the cover is Travis. Travis wanted to hold hands with Jack from the moment he saw him. Nobody in this book is named Bradley James. That is the name of the author.
After we had got done kissing, Sam took me up over the city in his helicopter. It was the city that we lived in, but from above, it was small, even though down there it was big. That was also the way that I felt about Sam. Inside my heart, he was big, but if I had been far above him in a helicopter or aeroplane, he would have looked small, like the city.
Sam was from the city. He had been born there and gone to school. He'd finished learning at the school, and become a man who trades money to make more money. He was really good at it. Because of the wind, Sam Dice's coat and yellow-coloured hair were flapping everywhere.
I realised that the fact that they were flapping around was like the fact that the city was small, and that he was from the city, somehow. They were all similar facts that grouped together to tell me something more about how Sam Dice was and the kind of guy he was. What I mean to say is, if you read them all together, one after the other, you could compare them in your head, and see how they were similar, and then get an idea of how those things related to the type of person Sam Dice was. Is any of this getting through?
She was a woman between 18 and 30. Maybe 35 if that's our target demographic. She did fashion, maybe, or interior design. A white job. She was definitely white. She had some money, but not as much money as he did. He had a lot of money. He didn't have to be white, but he couldn't be black. He could be Hispanic, if he was from Spain, but not from Mexico. He could be from the Middle East, but not a Muslim. He had a boat.
I went to work at my job where my friend Becky lived.
"Hi, Becky," I said to Becky.
"Hi, girlfriend," said Becky back to me. I'm not gay, so the way Becky said girlfriend there meant just "friend". If I was gay, it might have meant that we were in love. It's PG to say all this, I think? Anyway. Becky asked me if I'd bought any new shoes yesterday or last week. I said, "yes," and showed them to her. She was pleased with seeing the shoes. We went back to work at the fashion factory.
"I am the billionaire sheik," he said.
"Ah, from the title of the book," she said.
"Yes," he said.
You are Susie Firstbase, an 18 year old High School student. You are in your bedroom, wearing pajamas. You are doing your math homework. You sigh and close your textbook. "I'm sighing because math is so boring," you think.
There are two guys who like you. One is named Greg and he is a football player. The other is named Casey. He wears a leather jacket.
Instead of thinking about math, you begin to daydream about the two boys. "I am thinking about Greg. Now I am thinking about Casey" you think. "I am thinking about Greg taking me to the dance in his football uniform. Now I am thinking about Casey taking me to the dance in his leather jacket."
The dance is on Friday. Today is Wednesday. The dance is in two days.
Your phone begins to ring. It might be Greg or it might be Casey calling you.
TO ANSWER THE PHONE, TURN TO PAGE 2
TO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE, DO NOT TURN THE PAGE
Welcome to the world of working endlessly to please an audience specifically downloading your show to find mistakes.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by dire climate change news, try taking action personally! You can make a difference in the world!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.