Are you a fan of Seinfeld AND Warhammer 40,000? Fucking good for you because I'm not! I have no idea what any of the posts in today's Comedy Goldmine even are. Well enjoy
Jerry: I'm telling you 95% of the the life forms are heretics.
Kramer takes a tour of the palace of the Emperor of all Mankind. He wanders away from the tour group and stumbles upon the Golden Throne of the Emperor Himself. While gawking at it and taking photostats, he accidentally trips over the power cable for the Golden Throne's life support. While trying to put it back, he knocks the skeletal emperor off the throne. The desiccated corpse shatters into fragments.
Kramer: "WhuUh oh"
Jerry begrudgingly fills in for Newman as a clerk at the Departmento Munitorum. The switch is discovered when too many guard regiments actually get the equipment they desperately requisitioned.
George, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer enter into a contest to determine who can go for the longest period of time without spilling their Gene-Seed.
George's parents convince him to buy into a timeshare on a "vacation planet" that turns out to be a hovel on a hiveworld. He convinces Jerry to get help from Newman, who brokers a deal to sell the timeshare to an unknown third party. At the end of the episode, they discover they've sold the timeshare to Kramer. Meanwhile, Elaine briefly joins the Sororitas, but quits when she finds out the food is strictly kosher.
The gang becomes addicted to a delicious soup served by an outrageously strict chef, to whom they give the nickname the soup commissar
COSTANZA: Jerry, she thought I was a heretic. Not that there's anything wrong with that
SEINFELD: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
KRAMER: (enters the room) Jerry! You gotta see this, my friend Bob Sacamano thinks the Eternal Emperor is about to become the fifth Chaos god!
The only thing between him and us is shaped Adamantium and Plasteel plates, encased in a Ceramite ablative layer.
Due to clerical oversight George is getting paid for a job he left. He wires himself into a couch that feeds him stimulant drugs and nutrients, hoping to one day merge with it (Think of it Jerry! My own golden throne!). He proclaims this the
summer ten thousand years of George.
An old acquaintance from the legion gets in contact with Jerry, who thinks he's bringing him a land speeder. Frankie instead brings Jerry a Rhino, and his feelings are hurt when Jerry appears visibly disappointed.
Kramer offers to help Jerry sell it in the classifieds
George gets caught using the inquisitor only bathroom so he has to pretend to be a member of the Ordo Xenos. Kramer gets Jerry to join an Imperial Guard regiment to get some exercise and he narrowly avoids being shipped offworld to a war zone. Elaine thinks her boss might have the genestealer's hypnotic gaze and Kramer seems to be dating an ork woman
After a heated argument over Trivial Pursuit, George angrily pops the Necron's protective anti-warp bubble around Cadia.
George accidentally walks in on his father, Frank, changing, and sees that the man has actual, honest-to-Emperor breasts. Kramer tries to soothe George by informing him that all old men end up getting some droopy moobs, but George insists that these were real, actual breasts. Frank is exterminated on account of being tainted by Chaos.
Jerry feels guilty about inadvertently causing a hive food processing worker to be made into a servitor
GEORGE: Wrathbone please.
KRUGER: For building material?
GEORGE: Well, I am just a Wrathbone kinda guy. Love that Wrathbone. In fact, you might as well call me--
WATKINS: That sounds good. I'll build with it, too.
KRUGER: Watkins, you're building with Wrathbone?
WATKINS: I love 'em.
KRUGER: Well, then we should call you Wrathbone.
GEORGE: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.
ALL (chanting): Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone! Wrathbone!
Kramer mourns the death of his Squat friend Mickey after learning that he and his entire race was devoured by a Hive Fleet
Idleness grows from heresy Jerry. FROM HERESY!
Kelly (to George, as they walk together through blackened Central Park remnants): "Careful." (She points to the ground, so George will see the rubble and avoid tripping on it)
George: Oh. It's just rubble (laughs and waves his arms around wildly) KABOOOOOM!!!! !Rubble's not that bad. I don't even mind the word “rubble.” You know, it's “bull,” as in "strong like a bull", and a “rub” in front of it. What woman doesn't like a nice rub from a man who's strong like a bull (winks at Kelly). RUB-BLE. When you consider the other choices, “rubble” is actually pretty refreshing.
(George glances at his watch)
Kelly: That's a nice watch George.
Kelly: You know, my boyfriend has the same one.
George, Kramer, and Jerry are turned on when they listen to a tape recording Elaine made in which she simulates having an orgasm; but when they start developing grotesque mutations, the trio realize they've inadvertently started a Slanneshi cult. Elaine is initially disgusted by them, but at the end of the episode she saves them all by revealing that the recording was actually made by her friend, who is overweight and unattractive.
George gets caught in a warp storm during traffic which causes him to arrive decades before he actually left. He tries to use this non-causality to improve the life of his younger self by manipulating his affairs from the distance but inadvertently becomes responsible for every single misfortune he's ever experienced. Jerry is finally arrested for the non-sanctioned idol of superman he keeps hidden away in the apartment while Elaine is guilted into continuing her relationship with a guy who's been converted into a servitor. Kramer gets a new girlfriend.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.