According to the communal Something Awful metrics computer, it is an appropriate time for a "Back to School" article. As such, the Something Awful forums have been scrubbed for any relevant amusing material. There were two results: A thread in the BYOB subforum offering valuable advice to new college students, and a thread in the gun subforum entitled "They Will Pay". This article is the advice one! If nothing better comes up in the interim, check back next week for an article based around AryanAndy's provocative yet intriguing manifesto.

bacon taco

College means you will get laid infinitely more than high school. That's because you had zero sex in high school and the single, uncomfortable, sweaty coitus you engage in at college and regret instantly is mathematically an infinite amount greater than zero.


if your professors are wearing pointy hats and starry robes, chances are your "university" is in fact a wizard school and any degree attain is worthless

Ace of Baes

College students may offer you a marijuana cigarette, accepting it shows your weakness, instead assert dominance by insisting they shoot up heroin with you.

misty mountaintop

Keep your door open, or you will use up all of the air in your dorm room and suffocate.


Early registration is incredibly valuable. Lucky students, or skilled drivers in the Race, may register up to 15 years in the past.


Pick your professors, not your classes. There are tons of cool professors who will gladly teach your required course if you throw them some extra cash under the table.

Ace of Baes

On the first day of class, walk up to the professor and say, very quickly, "studentsayswhat", if they respond with "what" congratulations, you're the teacher now.

blaise rascal

Many college students experience loneliness and difficulty making friends. I recommend sitting down in the dining hall's dish dropoff so you rotate behind the wall and can introduce yourself to the kitchen staff.


Save as .pps instead of .ppt and watch the pussy roll in.


Ladies, when you go off to college, remember that boys only want one thing: to collect the final key and complete the sequence.

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