We're going to try a little bit of a different spin on the Goldmine for this week so that we can show you, the jerks and others who pretend not to be jerks, what it's like to live life in the veritable hell that is the Something Awful Forums. It is a desolate place full of ridicule and large pictures of disfigured genitalia, and it is also ground zero for a lot of the funniest hijinks in ye olde intrawebnette lande.

On October 30th, a fateful thread was posted by Dysfuncti_1 in the General Bullshit forum with the captivating title of "What Can't you Do?" His entire post was:

I can not:

Roll my R's.

I would therefore make a bad:

Swedish speaking person.

HURRRR. Usually if someone posts inane garbage like this they are ridiculed into obscurity or self-immolation, but for some reason a landslide of comedy and terror followed when the goons came in to add their own mad phat (lack of) skillz to the list. This is their story.


I can not:
lick my own balls

Therefore, I would make a poor:

Keshik:I can't: get a date.Therefore, I make a bad: Person.


I can not:
Lick my nose

Therefore i would make/am a bad:
boyfriend, husband, lover, porn star


I can not:

I would therefore make a bad:


I can not:
Stop jacking off.

Therefore I would make a bad:

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    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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