Thank you for tuning into Something Awful's liveblog coverage of the keynote address at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference 2007. We'll be providing minute-by-minute updates on one of the year's biggest events for the Apple faithful, where Steve Jobs is sure to announce something special, as he does every year. Please note that the keynote begins at 10AM on Monday June 11th, but due to the distances involved in internet communication, our live entries might be delayed by up to five days. Just keep hitting that refresh button!
|9:34||I'm in line outside the conference room with thousands of fellow Apple enthusiasts, waiting to get in. Someone makes a great pun about "Windoze", which prompts a swell of raucous laughter.|
As the laughing begins to die down, I turn my head sideways and rest it upon my hands, then make a snoring sound. Everyone starts laughing again. It's hard to believe I was actually sort of an unpopular geek in high school.
Still waiting. It feels safe here. No one can hurt us in this place.
There is an unspoken desire among all of us to live here forever, to establish a new life upon this promised land's grey carpet and to harvest fruit pies from the vending machine. I begin to scan the crowd for prospective wives.
The conference room's doors open up. We rush inside and take our seats, leaving behind any chance of an Apple commune. Ah well. There's always next year.
As the lights dim, we are treated to a familiar sight on the big screen: The kid from Ed and Jeepers Creepers alongside that slightly pudgy guy with the glasses. It's a special "PC and Mac" commercial made just for the WWDC!
|10:03||Mac mentions all the awesome games he can play like the newly released port of Tony Hawk 2, then PC looks sort of dejected because the only thing fun thing he can do is make spreadsheets.|
Mac tackles PC and straddles him, punching PC's stomach repeatedly. Mac is screaming "I can't hold the fury inside any longer! I hate you so much!" and tears are streaming down his face as he continues to beat PC. The audience chuckles appreciatively.
The commercial's white backdrop is now splattered with a mixture of blood and vomit that erupted from PC's mouth about six minutes into the abdominal beating. He is no longer trying to defend himself, or moving for that matter. Mac shows no signs of slowing his barrage of punches, though his expression of despair and inner turmoil has given way to the tired and business-like stare of a man seeing his job through to its end.
As the commercial fades to white, the audience applauds.
Steve Jobs enters the room. The place goes absolutely bonkers.
Steve asks how we're all doing. When everyone answers at once, he becomes visibly annoyed and shakes his head.
He asks how we're doing again, but makes us answer one at a time, starting with the person in the leftmost seat in the front row and working his way back.
Steve begins to talk about the new direction of OSX:
"Brushed metal interface elements are a thing of the past. They served their purpose well enough, but we're about pushing things forward. The new look of OSX is wood grain."
"This will be incorporated into every aspect of the operating system aside from iTunes, Safari, and Mail.app, which will all use a modified version of the Aqua theme featuring vertical dayglo green stripes. That's what Apple is really all about. Thinking different and looking different, from one application to the next."
Jobs launches into George Carlin's "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television" routine. Verbatim. Complete with the facial expressions.
A screen lowers and we see Frank Stallone in his living room via iChat. Three people clap and someone in the back screams sharply before covering his mouth.
Jobs: "Thanks for joining us, Frank! Isn't this technology exciting?"
Frank: "Yeah, it's like I'm on the phone but I can see you. Like some sort of crazy phone/video thing from the future."
Jobs: "Yes. So why don't you tell the crowd what you're up to these days, Frank?"
Frank: "Not much. Got some new fish in my aquarium. Some kind of goldfish and a lobster."
Jobs: "About the exciting technology we're using right now; Do you think it's possible to do this on a PC? Talk to people and see them with a webcam?"
Frank: "No. No, I don't think that's possible."
Jobs: "Frank Stallone, everyone. Thanks."
Now comes the moment everyone has been waiting for: the iPhone. As Steve reaches into his pocket and presents the device, the crowd gives him a standing ovation.
|11:22||"The iPhone will revolutionize cell phones as we know them. Let's say you're out with friends and you get hungry. You can look up directions on Google Maps and then call the restaurant with one simple push of the touch screen. I'll demonstrate. By a show of hands, who likes Chinese food?"|
Jobs has everyone in the crowd who raised their hand escorted from the building by security.
"There are many more uses for the iPhone. You can put it on a desk. You can hold it in your hand. You can look at it. It's truly a multi-functional device."
Just as things are wrapping up, Jobs drops his trademark "One more thing...", the five remaining audience members scream in ecstasy and pull their hair like teenage girls in the front row of a Beatles concert in 1964.
The One More Thing is "Which door do I go through to get out of here again?"
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.