Welcome to Asbestos Creek! Named for its vast deposits of natural asbestos and the beautiful creek that once existed before being filled with industrial waste from the many asbestos refineries, our little settlement offers plenty of opportunities for enjoyment. Located just seven exits and four utility roads from a major city that will not allow us to name them here, Asbestos Creek has so much going on, you might not know what to do first! Since you no doubt came here of your own free will and not because you were chased here by gangs of armed hillbillies completely unaffiliated with our town, we're proud to suggest the 10 Things You Must Do In Asbestos Creek Before You Die.
- Good eats! Our town's best and only restaurant, "Beans," is located on the central strip, and is open from 2:00pm to 3:30pm every day. And on Wednesdays, they serve food! No trip to Asbestos Creek is complete without a dish of our signature warm beans, warm mashed beans, and for those of you with a more adventurous palate, old beans. You might have had beans before, but you've never had them after being stirred and mashed by an old woman's peg leg!
- A historic movie house! A world-class museum! A beautiful gazebo once leaned upon by President Calvin Coolidge himself! All of these attractions were razed to the ground in the Asbestos Creek Fire of 1953, back when we removed all asbestos from the buildings and forgot to install fire extinguishers. But you can still visit the overgrown, empty lot where all of these things once stood and just breathe in the history!
- Visit Rodney the Mystic! One of our local celebrities is a gentle old soul named Rodney who, for the small sum of a picture of your wife, will peer through one of his several hundred thousand saved newspapers at random to determine your future. Do NOT eat his sour candy!
- See the hole! One of Asbestos Creek's most popular attractions is The Great Hole, located downtown and growing by the day. Scream a wish into it! Throw objects into its vast blackness! Take comical "self photos" in front of it at your own risk! Stand clear of the puddles of black ooze that occasionally appear spontaneously around its mouth! It's a regular choose your own adventure!
- Find our children! 17 of our youths (and counting) have gone missing, most likely due to The Great Hole or the man dressed in rags seen leading them away in the dead of night using some sort of enchantment. This is your chance to be our local hero, with the reward being the satisfying feeling of a job well done! We ask that you don't report this to the outside world, as we're trying to keep the FBI away for our own reasons!
- Nature! If you like the outdoors, Asbestos Creek certainly has some of that. Stroll among our several trees, and even run your hands over the large, numerous bumps they all seem to be covered in! Go ahead and take off your shoes--you feel what's under your feet? That's right: real gravel. Asbestos Creek is the one town that'll make you sit up and say, "Boy, being outside sure is different from being inside!"
- Meet the Mayor! Though he may be busy with several of his three mayoral duties, The Mayor of Asbestos Creek (who chooses to remain anonymous) is always eager to extend a welcoming hand and ask several questions about his wife to tourists. (For the record, you have not seen her recently.) After roughly three minutes of small talk, you can tell your friends you met the only mayor in America who won his position by descending into one of our several feral cat colonies for two weeks and surviving--one of Asbestos Creek's proudest traditions.
- Stop at our stoplight! We've just got the one. If you need to refresh yourself on how such a device works, feel free to pick up a pamphlet on the subject at our visitors' center! The pamphlet is not free. Also, the visitors' center is a bulletin board hung on the doorframe of the abandoned library.
- Give us money! We're pretty hard up, and could you believe we just need another two dollars for that bus ticket? Thankfully, most of our populace carries around hilarious signs that'll have you digging into your pockets without a second thought! Some of the most popular homeless sign slogans actually originated in Asbestos Creek, including "ninjas kidnapped my family" and "not gonna lie--i'm gonna buy beer." If you leave, you're sure to have a smile on your face about the lighter side of destitution!
- Don't bring your evil here! Our rapidly shrinking population of 173 combined with the many diseases caused by our feral cat colonies have made most of the residents of Asbestos Creek intensely paranoid and slightly irritable. Before going out in public, be sure to have at least four convincing arguments on hand as to how it's impossible for you to control people's thoughts. We sure love The Great Hole, but we don't need any more people feeding it! That's precisely what the old mayor said before he was fed to the hole.