You always hear about how gorillas are noble and intelligent and stuff, but if a human being acted like that, you'd be like, "I HATE that angry naked guy."

If kangaroos had gone according to plan, God probably wouldn't have exiled them to the Australian wasteland with Yahoo Serious and all the rest of nature's mistakes.

I was walking my dog by the river one time and it saw a frog and just carelessly licked it up like it was a drop of dew. Good dog.

Oh, really? Cheetahs are fast? So where are all their gold medals? Debunked.

Animals of quality get hunted on Safari by burly Hemingway types; Foxes get chased gaily around copses by effete English fops.

If there's anything interesting about a rabbit, it's probably buried somewhere in one of a dozen John Updike novels none of us are ever going to read.

Why did the one animal you can get high by licking also happen to be the animal that you'd be least inclined to lick?

Camels can go a month without water. And I can go a month without GIVING A SHIT!

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