This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.

Our vigilant stargazers are spotting celebrities left, right, and center! Here's the latest news from New York to Hollywood.

Paul Allen

Yesterday @ 10 am

Hoooooly...! I just saw Paul, for real, buying an apple from a fruit stand. He is totally eating it now! Hold on... now he is throwing the core away. I can't believe this. Man, Paul Allen!

Matthew McConaughey

Yesterday @ 12pm

Close your eyes. Imagine Matthew shirtless, looking fine, eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers on the subway. That's what I saw, and I'm still swooning.

Patrick Dempsey

Yesterday @ 1pm

Was in the ER waiting room when I couldn't help but notice an embarrassed Patrick Dempsey sitting near me. Looked like he got into quite a tussle with a porcupine, and his face was still covered with spines. Poor guy!

Rainn Wilson

Yesterday @ 6pm

I am not sure how it happened but I'm trapped in a giant insect cocoon. I think something is laying eggs in my stomach. I only mention this because I can see Rainn is also captive the next cocoon over. Seems like a nice guy, though he sleeps a lot and snores loudly.

Paul Rudd & Vince Vaughn

Yesterday @ 7pm

Saw Paul in Iowa City of all places. He was standing next to Vince Vaughn and the both of them together were projected onto a large white screen by way of... some sort of light cannon??? I'm still utterly baffled by this phenomenon and what it means.

Bob Newhart

Yesterday @ 11pm

Newhart is insane! His thugs have been holding me hostage all week. They've beaten me repeatedly, threatened to stab me, and made me take drugs. I fear for my life. Still a big fan of his early work. Please somebody help me!


Today @ 3am

Batman saved me! And man, he has let himself go. I fell down and he zip-lined in from out of nowhere to assist me to my feet. But then he just stood there panting like a dog. He seemed pretty gassy, too, but was really apologetic about it.

Jerry Van Dyke

Today @ 10am

Jerry was on hand to cut the ribbon at the opening of the new Northcrest Mall. He seemed pretty professional, and even brought his own scissors. They were really nice scissors, with the padded handles so you don't get blisters. Looked expensive. Wonder where he got them?

Megan Fox

Today @ 10am

Beautiful like a Greek Goddess! Saw her dumping garbage in Central Park! Looks like she had about 8 Hefty sacks full of garbage that she tossed into some bushes. Those arms! So strong!

Tim Robbins

Today @ 1pm

Again! Again I saw Tim Robbins in the library eating hard boiled eggs out of a basket. I was hoping he'd offer me one, but no, he just ate the entire batch all by himself.

Drew Barrymore

Today @ 6pm

Whoa! Saw Drew outside the KFC on Sunset Strip. She was carrying a big huge bucket of fried chicken, and a bag I can only speculate was loaded up with some primo sides. Wish I was her beau, because that looked like one fine meal.

Jeff Daniels

Today @ 7pm

Last week Daniels knocked on my door and said he was driving in the country when his car broke down. I offered him my guest room for the night, but he insisted on sleeping in my barn. He's been there for about a week now and I'm not sure if he's ever going to leave. I saw him just now hanging pictures...

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful