Before any of you screeching slobby muffinfuckers begin rolling up the sleeves on your official Dungeon and Dragon brand dungeon master robes and writing me pissy letters, let me tell you what your pal ol' Cliffy has been up to these past few months. Some of you assholes may claim that I'm not the most sociable guy on the planet, and if you said that to my face I'd respond by shouting something really goddamn witty like "shut your fat bloated mouth you revolting assgrub" and then hitting you in the head with a cinder block that was left in my yard by the brainless cretins who are trying to put that ugly telephone pole in my front yard.
Did I tell you about that? The city is trying to put one of those big brown turds in my front lawn so some jawless dickhumping drooldog in West Appleton City can call for pizzas to be delivered by flatbed truck to their rotting crack house every hour. I keep telling that asshole mayor of ours, Mayor Ed Burger, that if he tries to get some of his dickless city worker wonders to dig a hole and put a telephone pole in my front yard that I'll open fire on them and anybody else who tries to approach their buckshot-ridden corpses with anything but bags full of $100 bills and Tittyfuck Monthly magazines. I saw that ratfuck Mayor Burger trying to put the moves on some ugly sow in the Commander Taco joint on the corner of 18th Street and Patterson, so if he wants to keep on giving me trouble then I don't have any problems marching on down to his house at 2:00 AM and breaking in to tell his wife about his affair with Little Miss Chowbucket. I didn't have any difficultly smashing in their window to take their ceramic pig cookie jar last month, and I'm sure I won't have any this time either. Oh and if you're reading this Mrs. Burger, you can't make cookies worth a shit. I've tasted better leaking batteries before, so try cooking something which doesn't resemble a revolting lump of solidified parrot diarrhea next time I'm going to break into your trashy dump house.
So anyway this brings me to my topic: there isn't a single decent restaurant in this entire god-forsaken hellhole of a town. I've eaten at almost every rat infested cell in Appleton City over the past 68 years or so, and the only place to serve halfway edible food was Franky's Dinner Catapult, and that was shut down by Gary Fedgensen in the summer of 1973 after some whiny little fucktart found a piece of a burnt wheelchair in his chili.
This town is now full of throat choking terrible ass buffets that attract Appleton City mutants like cancer patients to a wig factory. I've eaten in almost everywhere here so I offered my fucking wonderful expert writing services to the Appleton City Times as a food reviewer guy, but they never replied to my letter, maybe because I intimidated them when I wrote "GIVE ME THIS JOB OR ELSE I'LL SHOVE A GODDAMN BEACH UMBRELLA INTO YOUR CRUSTY EARHOLE, YOU WORTHLESS JACKASSES." You'll note that I used the word "crusty" in that sentence, and that's what us word scientists call an "adjunctive" and is used to spice up sentences. I wouldn't expect any of you illiterate Interweb bozos to understand my smart word-talk here, so don't even pretend like you can grasp what I'm writing because I know the only exposure you get to professional writing is when you log onto www-daddyfucks a boar.com and you see the adjunctives describing what noise was made when Beef Rockwell kissed the magic orc of +37 fire wizard. So here is my review of some of the pathetic restaurants in Appleton City:
Some birdwoman who tried to refill my drink at the Haunted Hamhouse off of Charleston Avenue. I punched her in the face until her manager came over, then I punched him in the face until his manager came over. I forget what I did then, but I think it involved me tearing the back of my pants on a nail because I found a hole in them later that night and it really pissed me off.
Lo King's Chinese Dynasty - Okay the first question I have here is why this place is full of Mexicans? I don't expect to walk into some Chinese joint and be greeted by thousands of smiling yellow devils or nothing, but I really don't want to be seated by Paco the Toothless Vagrant who just got off his job cutting lawns in South Appleton. Now that I think about it, I can't even remember the last time I saw a single commie Asian devil in this entire town, since everybody here seems to be rotting pasty blobs of white trash determined to one-up each other in the NASCAR clothing contest.
The last time I saw any Chinamen was back in the Korean War when I was unloading a few hundred rounds of 7.62 mm exploding armor shrapnel machinegun grenade bullets at some godless commie Japs trying to rush the boulder and dead tree my captain ordered me to protect. I told that asshole captain that he could take his orders and shove them up his gaping dough asshole because I only take orders from one person - Frank Sinatra - and Frank was back in the good ol' US of A making beautiful records. Then the captain got his head blown off by a few dozen Nazi Vietnamese soldiers who were disguised as corn stalks or some shit like that. That taught him to fuck with me, and I'm more than willing to share this educational story with any other grabass fucktwats who try to give me lip. I once flew a plane in the Korean War and I used it to bomb a suspicious looking trampoline factory.
RATING: 3 / 20.
Smashy's - I hate places like this. Smashy's is another one of those Chilis / Applebees / TGI Friday's joints that serves Superbowl party food like chicken wings and spicy hog skulls for $25 each. They apparently also hired the same braindead interior decorator who charges millions of dollars to glue random shit he found in an abandoned junkyard to the walls. You walk into Smashy's and if you don't instantly duck, you'll knock your head off on this old canoe paddle hanging from the ceiling. Why the hell is there a canoe paddle on the ceiling? How the hell does that make me want to order more of their overpriced, reheated disgruntled cafeteria worker food? Maybe some egghead from Appleton City University did a study that proves 25 MPH speed limit signs, old cowboy hats, and dirty horseshoes make people hungry and suddenly make the idea of paying $20 for a plate of microwaved bacon fat seem good.
I guess that psychological shit doesn't work on me because every time I walk into Smashy's I want to rip the canoe paddle off the ceiling and beat a few of the greasy factory waiters to death with it while making long distance phone calls on their phone. I really like that red phone they have in the front and one of these days I'm going to take it and bring it home and install it in my basement next to the dartboard. If you dickrips who own Smashy's want to save yourselves hundreds of bucks, just give me a call and I'll head over to your hellbag corporate offices and throw all the shit I found in my toolshed on your walls. I think that green, rotting, rusted toilet seat I found buried underneath the peat moss pile in there will really help sell your deep fried bunyon tower of steaming chunky potato wads.
RATING: 2 / 20.
Burger Volcano - This is that fucking revolting place off the I-39 next to Al's Lumber yard and the bowling alley parking lot. This place changes ownership every other Wednesday, so if you don't like whatever horrible creation is currently festering in that location, then just wait a few hours and it will go bankrupt and become some new place with new owners. It used to be the Sauce Kingdom, then it was Biggie's Burrito Barn, then it was Leapin' Lettuce, then it was House of Pork. Next week it will be burnt to the ground if nobody screws up my plans. I went into Burger Volcano last month and there was this broad with the biggest tits I ever saw working at the counter. I walked up to her and gave her my best pickup line, "how about we go around back and I stick my dick up your ass?" and she started giving me all kinds of ridiculous attitude and saying all kinds of fucking foul language that girls her age shouldn't say to elders like me. Hey you ditsy bimbo, did you ever hear of the saying "the customer is always right?" If I have to pay an extra 20 cents for a cup of water, then I damn well expect to have my little Yablonski oiled up out back while you wait for your dad to pick you up after work. And you better not have braces or else I'll knock them right off your pockmarked face.I have no clue what this is, but if you encounter it, DON'T EAT IT.
RATING: 4 / 20.
Funkytown - I hate theme restaurants. I remember the time I went to that revolting dump called "Raymond Burrito's" which is now a hardware store that tries to rip you off by selling roofing nails for three cents more than they're worth. I ain't paying any more of my hard-earned cash for roofing nails then I got to, and there's no way in hell that I'm going to dump out an extra three cents per nail just so some filthy Persian prince sitting on a golden throne made out of liquid diamonds can have some more American cash to wipe his braided ass with. And don't try to tell me that my money doesn't go there because I saw a TV program where this guy bought a hammer from a hardware store and then in the next scene there was this guy who looked like an Arab and he was driving a really nice Lincoln Towncar, so I can put two and two together and figure out where my money goes. Don't think you can fool me, I'm smart as all shit. Anyway, Raymond Burrito's was absolutely terrible so I don't think I need to write anything else and if you disagree with me then I'm going to bust your jaw off with a clawhammer and then dump burning tires into your grave.
RATING: 3 / 20.
AESHASTEHY'S CRAZY WEIRD FOOD PLACE - I obviously forgot the name of this restaurant because it's some weird combination of Martian goofy letters and numbers and shit which makes no sense to me. They serve all kinds of space food like meat that's been stewing in White-Out for a few days and this onion thing that has tentacles and bread growing out of it's ass. I never bothered eating here because I refuse to eat in any place that I can't pronounce without having to use clicks and whistles like those crazy African guys who cram dinner plates into their throats and get AIDS. My buddy Jim Bagleaducia went there once and he said the food "tastes like a boiled bag of ass," and I trust his opinion because one time he told me that this movie was really terrible and I watched it the next day and it was in fact really terrible. I think it was that movie about the Arab with the Lincoln Towncar. If you see one of those movie posters and it's showing off some film about an Arab with a Lincoln Towncar, DON'T SEE IT because the film is really goddamn boring and you'll try to strangle yourself with your own vocal cords about 10 minutes into the movie. The only good part is when the main character walks behind this horse and for a split second there it looks like he's fucking the horse, not that this event is very uncommon in this town or anything.
RATING: 1 / 30.
There are more restaurants in this cursed dump of a city, but I'm really tired and drunk and I don't feel like writing about them because there's no fucking point since the Appleton City Times refuses to print my articles on the ground that I write too intelligently for their audience to understand. Here's a little adjunctive to describe you gutterslug pansies editing that piece of shit paper: SPERMBERRY WEASEL TITHEADS. Now where's my government check? I'm going to crawl into the hamper in the closet and maybe I'll come out the next week or so.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.