My content will have an attractive, humorous, or abrasive title that will elicit people to engage the content, and hopefully provide feedback.

My humor will be digestible while still not being considered family friendly. Being family friendly makes you less relevant as a brand in the eyes of the true tastemakers. My humor will be just irreverent enough to be culturally understood as irreverent and no more.

"MAY THE TASTEMAKERS BLESS US THEIR FAVOR. PRAISE TAKEI! MAY HE BE LINKED FOREVER!"

If my content covers something controversial, I will have something uncontroversial to say about it. Because of this, I can garner page views by slanting my article in an edgy fashion, without saying something I may regret.

<A man shambles toward the group, wearing tattered rags. He is sniffing. Content, he yells. Content. Thank Takei, at last, I have content. He shambles away, hoping to share this with his cousin in Des Moines.>

I will provide the content I have been told to provide. The content I want to see personally is irrelevant unless it is the content that the brand wants. The brand will tell us what it wants through page views.

The Brand will be good to us. Through the Brand our Personal Brand will grow. We will be elevated and be made Relevant as individuals by the Tastemakers. We will be blessed, but only through dedication to promoting a dynamic end user experience for the Consumers.

"WE ARE OUR FOLLOWER COUNT. WE ARE OUR RELEVANCY."

<The oath takers ritualistically cut an @ symbol into their palms, marking them as devoted to brand awareness for eternity, or at least the fiscal quarter.>

Congratulations. You are now a Content Creator.

<Cheers erupt. A distinct Takei 'oh my' is heard. Everyone revels in the shared experience.>

Prepare for your new life as Content Creators, bloggers, microbloggers, "journalists", brand ambassadors and media specialists. We are Different. We Are Unique. We Are The Brand. Now, before om noms, we will end in the ancient SEO spiral of our ancestors:

"Content, information, end user experience, medium, media, multimedia, interactive, engaging, weasel words, context, content management, user-generated content, open content, free content, content farm, farm, mulch, shit, pure shit, turds, toilet... "

The chant slowly fades to the sound of two people on Segways playing ping pong to Wilco...

Thanks to Ian @ Fused Muse for making dynamic images that really boost this article's wow factor!

– Alex "bransonbranson" Branson (@bransonbranson)

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