Dear Dan's Carpets Employees,
Yo, thanks for all your support and stuff about my dad dying. It has been a big help. I have looked at Dan's Carpets’s financial things and it looks like we’re doing okay. But I got an associates degree in business from ASU that says we can do better. A lot better.
Starting Monday I want everyone to implement some of my new ideas. They’re big and bold.
Number one, no more carpets. Carpets? Been there done that. We’ve seen a million carpets. Everyone is sick of them. They’ve seen it all done before. Skeazy motels have carpets, not houses. Sales are alright, but they dropped back in October of 2008 and they haven't gone all the way back up yet. That happened because, like I said, people are just sick of carpets.
We are switching to painted flooring. We will paint your floor. That’s our new motto. I am working on a song about it now with my cousin T and his friend who is Northern Indiana’s #3 most popular wedding DJ. I guess he’s in a band that plays at The Docks on Saturdays called Reggaenomics. So I guess it’s gonna be a reggae song.
Number two, Bob Donnelly who was the floor manager for 15 years is going to be retiring on Monday. I am promoting Victoria from sales to this job. I think we need some fresh ideas and I think since she has only been with us for a couple weeks she has some really new perspective or whatever.
Victoria is going to be managing the floor so if you have any sales questions just ask her.Vince and Renee, I want you guys to get the hand trucks and move all of the carpet out to the back and burn it. Try to get it done before the Panera opens up across the road because they might call the cops or something.
AJ I need you to get all of the van keys back from the delivery drivers. We’re not going to do any more carpet deliveries. I’m going to sell all but one of the vans on Craigslist and use the money to buy our paint. My buddy works at Lowes and he said he can get us 10% off on paint so we’re going to do that. So AJ, when you’re done with that take the one van over to Lowes and buy 5 of every color of paint. Then get some flooring samples and paint those.
Also I am going to be doing some carpet painting experiments with Ricky out back. So from 1 to 3 if you want to watch us shoot paint balls at carpets then come out back.
Third or fourth or whatever, my cousin Jimmy is going to be in charge of the front office. He just got out of prison so I don’t want anyone to talk about 16 year olds. Don’t bring in your kids anymore either, at least not within 100 yards of front office.
The possibilities of the future are limitless for Dan's Carpets.Terry, warehouse is fine, just help out AJ with the paint cans and help Vince and Renee move all the carpets out. You might need to show them how to use the hand trucks. I’m also going to need you to go over to my dad’s house and get all the hunting and fishing stuff and pictures and clothes and crap out of there. Realtor said we’ve got a nibble and I want to show that next week before the buyers realized about the roof.
Finally, TV ads. I am going to pull dad’s TV ads and I need to shoot some new ones, so Kelly, please call Video Services of Fort Wayne and tell them we’re going to need some new footage. If any of you have a house with a wood floor you’re tired of and your house doesn’t look like crap, then please let me know and we can make your house a star by painting the floor for one of my commercials.
Bill, Little Terry, Josh, and Cynthia: you guys are all fired. I know about all of you saying my sister could run this place better than me. It's nothing personal, it's about business. I need a positive, proactive attitude and you guys just suck. You’re out.
Everybody else: I am really looking forward to the new possibilities of Dan's Carpets moving forward and it is exciting about working with me on this. Thanks
See you Monday!
PS - I will be out Wednesday until next Monday at a business retreat thing in Miami.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.