He's Baaack

Hi everyone, Andrew Stine here once more. You might remember me from my SA updates during Lowtax's recent trip to Cancun, where he ferried stolen human organs under the pretense of "being on vacation." In his continuing "pawn Something Awful off on guest writers" business strategy, Lowtax has signed me up to cover Wednesday news updates here on SA. Coupled with Fragmaster's recent violent takeover of the Saturday and Sunday updates, this gives Lowtax almost half the week off when it comes to writing news updates. My moving into the Hump Day slot is the second step in Lowtax's master plan which eventually will allow him all the free time he wants to pursue his true passions, lawn bowling and heavy drinking (generally combined into one entity). I managed to sneak a peak at Lowtax's long-term calendar and was surprised but not shocked at what I found:

Tentative Something Awful Update Schedule, September 2001
Fragmaster reminisces about how he used to work for GamespyPost-lobotomy Andy Smith writes an intelligent and well-researched article on the gaming industryLowtax makes his weekly update to remind everyone that he still exists and we should love himAndrew makes a half-assed update in his continued strategy to infiltrate the computer gaming website "in-crowd"Dennis "Thresh" Fong writes a column about how fresh and in your face pro gaming isNorman Mailer's latest clap-trap about his waning libidoFragmaster talks about how another one of his body parts is no longer under his concious control

So savor Lowtax's wit while you still can, before it's pre-empted by second-rate hack updaters full-time!

Picture Show

Most people have heard of Murphy's Law, which states in effect that "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." This philosophy, however pessimistic, often proves a good model when dealing with relationships, carpentry, or website hosting services. Unfortunately, from this relatively unassuming credo has sprung a veritable army of similar but even less relevant laws, principles, corollaries, observations, rules, postulates, hypotheses, and theorems, each more hilarious than the last. Recently someone was kind enough to send me a link to a page listing around 900 billion of these laws in what must be the biggest collection of untamed wit ever assembled. Here's a few samples:

Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Issawi's Law of Frustration:
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

Terman's Law of Innovation:
If you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

Hilarious! If Gold, Issawi and Terman can acheive literary immortality through their Zen-like mantras, I figure I ought to be able to as well. So without further ado I present my addition to the ever-burgeoning library of useless laws:

Stine's Law:
Every movie ever made is someone's favorite.

"What?" You say. "Surely no one fell in love with such stunning mediocrities as Jaws 3, Mac and Me, or The Net?" Well, sir, you'd be wrong, and you're ugly too! Thanks to the IMDB for providing an outlet for these downtrodden fans to express their undying love for these overlooked classics.

Everybody out of the theater!Jaws 3 -- This 1983 film capitalized on the success the astounding original and passable sequel by following a group of marine biologists attempting to capture a young great white shark that has wandered into Florida's Sea World Park. However, later it is discovered that the shark's 35-foot mother is also a guest at Sea World. What follows is the shark wreaking havoc on the visitors in the park. Although the film has been described by critics as "awful," "horrendous," and "one of the worst movies ever," that doesn't stop some IMDB visitors from professing their undying love for it.

That was the best jaws movie ever!I loved it.It was so chilling.Like the part with the glass tube.I was breathless.The 3-D was good two.The only thing bad about it was that it was to close to Revenge of the Creature.It was pretty darn cool.My My if there was oscar for scariest movie.It would win.It was very scary to me.

I saw this movie many time and the thing that strikes me is that why didn't they have Roy Scheider play in this movie. But hey I ain't because they got Dennis Quaid and Louise Gosset Jr. And they are just as good. Anyway in this movie you will find out that a shark gets into the sea park. And there it starts having breakfast, lunch and dinner of fish and humans. (...) I think that this movie is excellent.

A boy and his dog

Mac and Me -- Start with E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. Take away Steven Spielberg, the heartwarming story, and a prepubescent Drew Barrymore. Then add in a lead character in a McDonald's uniform, an extended song-and-dance number inside a McDonald's, Ronald McDonald, Big Macs from McDonald's, and life-giving Coca-Cola, presumably from McDonald's. Described by critics as "ridiculous" and "terrible." But wait:

I rented this movie today just for something fun to watch, and low and behold, I sure was in for a treat! This is one of those "little boy meets alien" type of movie that was common in the 80s, and it gives you a fun, warm nostalgic feeling when you watch it. (...) Why they don't make movies like this anymore is utterly ridiculous! ~CosmicGirl

I absolutely love this movie! This movie has to be one of the best I've ever seen! Seeing it now for almost a dozen times, it still wants to make me cry every time! (...) This movie is so emotional, I feel so bad for both the kid, and the alien! His whole family is so cute and sweet. Yes, the boy is in a wheel chair, so? Its still a really good movie. If you ever get a chance to see this movie, do check it out!!!

Sandra Bullock portrays a cute but quirky girl-next-door type in her farthest acting stretch yet

The Net -- Computer hacker Angela Bennett's identity is destroyed after she discovered the dirty little secrets of an evil faceless corporation. Described as "plodding" and "tepid" - but not by these fans!

This film is incredibly fantastic. It is very relevant to most of us who are interested in using the internet. It must been very hard and frustrated for Bennett to face the alteration of her life from one direction to another, fears to lose everything. I believe that the film is very inspired me, and also shows me in a way that life is a very complicated network - the conflict between people may lead to a greater damage to the society that we're live in. I have to say that i really like the movie - i watched the movie about 4 times now, today is the last time.

When I first saw this movie, I was blown away at how realistic it was. Everything in this movie could really have happened and it gives us a different view on the Internet and the control someone could have in a position like the baddies have in this movie. You genuinely feel for Sandra Bullock's character in this movie. Great performances from all actors and thank you to the director for making such a brilliant movie.

Kid's Koroner

In its continuing bid to become a major superpower in the high-stakes world of internet portals, Something Awful presents its latest Kids Korner public service announcement: Drugs are Nature's Hugs! In the straightforward but fun-loving tone which has made Kids Korner world-reknowned, Kitty the Talking Octopus takes on the serious issue of drugs, and why they are, in fact, nature's hugs!

Have you been looking for a way to broach this topic with your children in a no-pressure, non-confrontational manner? Look no further!

ROM Pit Time

August 29, 1997: the human race as we know it is destroyed when the newly self-aware supercomputer Skynet launches nuclear weapons, resulting in holocaust. Approximately 30 years later, freedom fighter John Connor sends a reprogrammed Terminator back in time to save his younger self from the liquid-metal T-1000 which has already been sent to kill him. The result? T2: The Movie for the SNES, the latest ROM Pit review!

The plot of this game follows the movie in excruciating detail, except for all the stupid shit the designers threw in to pad what would otherwise be a mercifully short yet utterly traumatizing experience. You play the T-800 and have to run around punching and shooting people while doing various pointless things. In one level you have to search a house to find a photo ID of John Connor (wasn't the T-800 reprogrammed by the adult John Connor himself? HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT THE GUY LOOKS LIKE ALREADY, DAMNIT!). In another level you have to make a very challenging drive to the mall. In other words, you fuck around a lot while getting shot in the back by various people. Apparently Nintendo thought this sounded like a lot of fun and thus blessed the game with the coveted Nintendo Seal of Approval. Personally, I think you'd probably have more fun playing another game, one I like to call "Punching Yourself in the Testicles Until You Pass Out".

If you're always dreamed of being a cybernetic organism assigned to protect a wise-ass kid from Dana Scully's new partner, too bad! But, you can play this game instead.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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