We didn't want you to find out this way, but after the Hello Kitty announcement journalists are prying into the background of every lovable fictional character. We tried to keep the truth from you because we knew you would not understand.
Grimace is human.
We don't know his name or much about his background, but when he came to McDonald's in the early 15th Century he was a man just like any other. We know from Jesuit records that he liked hamburgers a great deal and was particularly fond of milkshakes.
Somewhere, over the centuries, Grimace changed and became something much more that most humans. The physical changes happened early on. By the time he was transported to what would become the United States he had quadrupled in size and begun to turn purple. By the early 17th century his speech had regressed to flapping his arms at his handlers.
You have to understand, we have done everything possible to make Grimace comfortable. We want him to continue to enjoy the life he had been accustomed to in the German countryside where he was originally discovered. He has all the hamburgers and milkshakes he can eat, as well as hundreds of pets that have been euthanized by animal shelters every day. So far, we have been able to keep up with his appetites.
We understand that you might be upset we have kept the truth hidden so long. When Shrek was revealed, we originally considered announcing the Grimace truth. Then it turned out that as lifelike as Shrek seemed, he was not actually an ogre, but a computer created chimera fusing the post-human body of an ogre with the effervescent charm of one Michael Meyers.
If you haven't seen much of Grimace lately, it is because we are unable to control him and his emotions have become very unpredictable.
Grimace lives on in a secret facility where he is being studied for various compounds his body releases. For example, when Grimace is frightened, he releases ink. We think it's ink. It might be cum. It's hard to tell where things are coming out of on his body when he starts flailing around.
It's probably cum. Like everything that he excretes, we include it in our hamburgers.
Although we believed Grimace stopped speaking many years ago, it also seems he may have continued to communicate to us through clicks and squeals like a dolphin, but so high frequency they were inaudible until advanced instruments picked them up. Our best flavor scientists are working on decoding Grimace's proto language. Is it pre-human vocalizing? Is this how our ancestors sounded?
We are hoping to recover the Tablets of McCheese and use them as a Rosetta Stone for unlocking the ancient human language of Grimace. The climate controlled facility where they were being kept was Hamburgled.
By the way, Hamburglar is not human. He's a rat fuck and if you bring him to us dead you will be handsomely rewarded.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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