Let's say you identify yourself as a hardcore gamer, going so far as to point it out while introducing yourself to new people.

You don't waste your time simply playing games and taking in the experience as a whole. You mash your way through conversations and backstory which you deem universally terrible, preferring to have both a television show and music playing in the background. Your attention is not fully focused on any one of these things, but you constantly complain about all of them in forums, guild chat, or your livestream to let the world know about your level of dissatisfaction.

To you, the only reason to play a game is to break down the base mechanics (which you always find fault with, eliciting snarky comments about the developers) and become the best at a piece of entertainment that you skimmed through with a scowl on your face.

Your inherent talent and autism can only get you so far. If you want to be taken seriously as a gaming expert, you need to break away from the pack with the aid of gaming enhancers.

For your sake, I have pushed my body beyond its limits to test a variety of such products aimed at pro gamers. Please keep in mind that I'm not hardcore. I prefer turn based games because they allow me plenty of time to plan out my next ill-considered move, like a stop frame animation of button mashing.

Mountain Dew Game Fuel

From what I understand, this is a specially formulated version of Mountain Dew. It's not simply regular Mountain Dew with new flavoring and extra douchey packaging. Game Fuel contains ingredients that have been scientifically proven to help gaming, such as... kielbasa? I don't know. Maybe kielbasa. That sounds right.

After three bottles of Game Fuel, I did notice a marked improvement in my ability to eat ghosts and get high scores. I also noticed the sensation of my heart feeling cold and slowing down while my skin went numb all over.

The drinks also had an effect on my mind. Suddenly I knew all the latest hot tips and tricks, as well as every method of suicide that was possible using objects in the room.

Score: Fragtacular

Gamer Grub

These are little pouches with disgusting snacks that are supposed to vaguely taste like peanut butter & jelly, barbecue, pizza, or smores. True pros combine all four.

How does this make you a better gamer? Well, it doesn't leave any residue on your hands so you don't get a gunked up keyboard or controller. Instead you'll just get a mouthful of "Shouldn't I have learned that stuff like this was barely edible when I was fourteen?"

I found that following that line of thought only distracted me from my game. My headshots did not become sicker, and I didn't land any more sweet tricks.

Score: Game over!!!

Razer Naga 17-Button MMO Mouse

How do I explain this? Ah, that's it! Here we go: This is a mouse with seventeen buttons.

How do you even use seventeen buttons on a mouse? I can barely remember where the 26 letters are on my keyboard. In fact, I removed the P and H just to make things easier for a few years.

Surprisingly, I found that simply grabbing the mouse and squeezing made my guy do all the moves. With a sweaty, unrelenting grip I was able to rocket punch and powerslide and boost my way to victory.

Score: Megabonus

Gamers Edge High Performance Digital Eyewear

It's digital. Everything is better when it's digital. Analog is for chumps. It also says "High Performance" right on the package, so you know it will hold up in intense situations.

I can't really explain what these glasses did. To be honest, I didn't notice anything different. I can only assume that's because they work so well that they stay out of your way, allowing you to focus on the game.

While wearing these I beat the level and got the coins.

Score: 15

Thermaltake Gaming Glove

It's possible that this glove is meant to prevent palm sweat, or to eliminate chaffing caused by hours of gripping a controller. What it really does is make you look like a badass.

Stroll into the gas station with this bad boy on and no one will be able to take their eyes away as you saunter to the beef jerky with a knowing grin on your face. Sorry ladies, my fingerless gloves and I have no time to talk. I've got online opponents to shoot and a reputation to uphold.

Score: Insert coin game over 1up select start

TN Games 3rd Space Gaming Vest

What in the world does a gamer need a vest for?

First of all, it might surprise you to learn that a small percent of a normal person's brainpower is constantly dedicated to worrying about being shot. Wearing a bulletproof vest such as this one can free up those brainwaves for games that require focus and precision.

Second, we need lots of pockets and pouches. Getting up is annoying. Heck, leaning for something on the coffee table is downright aggravating for a hardcore gamer. It's much better to have everything you need, right in a velcro pouch on a convenient and bulky vest.

Just imagine the possibilities. Your controller runs out of batteries, so you grab a fresh pair from your shoulder pouch and slap them in without missing a single frag. You get hungry so you reach for a Pro Gamer Hot Pocket in the thermal pouch on your side. Your guild wipes on an important raid so you open a pouch on the front of the vest and produce a calming balsa wood carving of Felicia Day, stroking it gently and whispering a prayer for solidarity in this most difficult of times.

Here's a pro tip! If you're the sort of gamer that sweats a lot, consider going without a shirt and simply wearing the 3rd Space Gaming Vest. If you fill each pouch with laundry detergent, it should interact with your sweat in such a way as to clean the vest. At the end of each day simply scoop out the grey goop and fill each pocket with more detergent!

Score: Flawless victory!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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