We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.

Rusty Spike Trap

Every house has one of these. Step on the pressure plate and a wall of iron spikes swings out with frightening force. They're a source of entertainment all year round, and a particularly great way to while away those lazy summer evenings.

But did you know that rusty spike traps can also be dangerous in extremely specific circumstances? Think about it. If you walk past the spikes and happen to graze a fingertip along one of the sharpest points, a trace amount of rust could infect the minor scratch. Next thing you know you're at the doctor's office wincing as a tetanus shot gets injected into your arm. Yeowch!

Fortunately, making your home safer takes little more than some common sense. When you're not using the rusty spike trap, just hang a sheet over it. Problem solved.

Invisible Roaming High Gravity Anomaly

Silent. Roughly the size of a garbage can. Only observable as the as it moves, the faintest rippling of the air. An inexplicable pocket of disobeyed physics that crushes all matter and leaves behind impossibly tiny bone-white cubes that are impossibly cold to the touch. It's hard to imagine how people got by without invisible roaming high gravity anomalies.

You might want to be careful, though. Recent findings suggest that they might be a disaster waiting to happen.

Let's say you wake up in the middle of the night. You decide to go get a glass of water. You make your way through the dark living room on full alert, squinting all around at waist level to spot the anomaly. Then it happens. You step directly into the coffee table.

Ghost Maker

The best thing about a ghost maker is that once you plug it in, any living being that touches the machine dies and turns into a ghost. Does what it says on the box. No muss, no fuss.

The worst thing about a ghost maker? That comes when you forget to unplug it when you're done. For the love of all that is holy, DON'T FORGET TO UNPLUG IT.

Some units have been known to cause electrical shorts after being left unattended at full power, potentially leading to minor fires.

Poison Gas Canister With A Slow Leak

In your pantry is a canister of poison gas. It has a pin-sized puncture through which deadly neurotoxins slowly escape.

Right next to it is an identical can filled with food. See the problem? If you reach for the wrong can, you might knock the other one off the shelf and onto your head.

Here's how you eliminate all the danger: Clearly label the poison gas canister. Get yourself a marker and write your name on it. For instance, my name is Dennis so I would write "Dennis" on my can. If the can containing food also belongs to you, I suppose you should label that with your name as well.

The Sun

The star that acts as the center of our solar system. Giver of life. A nuclear furnace that has raged for billions of years. In your living room.

Please be careful. You might get a weird tan. Someone could yell "Hey, that's some dumb tan you got there, buddy!" and beat you up.

Consider moving the sun into your spare bedroom, or maybe the back yard. This should create enough distance to keep your tan from getting out of control.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful