First shot: A stripped-down piano version of the classic Zelda theme begins as we look over the shoulder of Princess Zelda herself. She tilts her head back and breathes deeply of that golden air as the sun rises over a serene Hyrule landscape. What the... is she free? The camera rotates, revealing that Zelda is simply looking through the window of her tower-top prison cell. Fade to black, where we hear Ganondorf's laughter echo.
Wow, what an opening! From all the clues it looks like Zelda is still being held by Ganondorf, after her capture in the first episode of the first season. Hang in there! Link is on the way! Note that Zelda doesn't speak in this trailer. Perhaps that's a sign that the writing staff has been influenced by the internet's overwhelmingly aggressive "Stop Zelda's Whining And Let Ganondorf Do Cool Stuff" movement.
Shopkeeper stares into a glass bottle of liquor, his thoughts unknowable. "I shouldn't be here. It's... dangerous for me to be alone," he says. A gorgeous babe steps forward and replies, "Take me."
Audiences have been dying to find out where Shopkeeper's subplot will go next. Remember last season's bathroom mirror punching scene and the subsequent vow that he would finally remain faithful to his wife? Will Shopkeeper keep (oh wow, the layers of literary symbolism) his word or succumb to temptation once again? Meandering infidelity is such a fascinating plot line.
Tingle slumps to the ground, thick sheets of foaming blood dribbling from his neck. "Link, this is no land for heroes. No land for gods. Hyrule grinds us all to paste one inch of our soul at a time, and we deserve every excruciating moment."
I'm calling it. This is the year that the supporting actor award finally goes to Patton Oswalt.
The camera is low, tilted upward. A familiar silhouette steps into the outline of a too-large moon. In his trademark raspy growl, Link mutters "Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting for. It's easier to carve a trail of blood and carnage than it is to stop. Stopping means facing what I've done. What a monster I've become."
Woah, looks like we're in store for some serious badassery this season! Also, if you pause at just the right moment you might notice that Link is carrying a certain something - the Bug Catching Net. Considering the first and second season cliffhangers ended with Link's procurement of the Flute and Hookshot, it looks like he's on pace to reach Princess Zelda as early as season 7. What a ride!
The main theme resumes, but this time it's played even slower, and the piano sounds almost out of tune. With the arrival of every haunting note, this montage cuts to a different scene. A stone is pushed on top of a pressure plate. A lingering close up shows Zelda lifting her skirt to reveal a bottle of poison tucked into her garter. An Octorok stumbles, arms waving frantically as it is consumed by flame. As arrows pelt the camera a fairy points and silently screams, "Look!" A large piece of pottery shatters against a wall in slow motion. Zelda trembles as she presses the poison bottle to her lips.
There's simply too much to unpack here. As if the montage wasn't enough to prove this will be the most dramatic, action-packed season yet, the final scene will give you chills:
After the season premiere date is shown, the screen fades to black. We hear a bomb fuse, then an explosion blows a perfectly round hole in the darkness, letting in a shaft of golden sunlight. As Link enters the hole with a Lantern raised, three strange shadowy figures step towards him from behind the camera. We fade to black again, listening to angry clucking and wing-flapping, followed by Link's sword sliding free from its sheath.
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.