1/9/15


From: Management
To: Staff
Re: New Bathroom Situation

We have opened up the bathroom and removed the stall dividers so that you will all be using one bathroom with collaborative toilet facilities. The upper tier of toilets for urine will be downstreamed to cycle the toilets for solid waste on the lower tier.

Also, the new toilets will be made from clear acrylic to allow us to observe your secretions. We hope in this progressive environment we will not need to stress that equal access to facilities is very important and the only way for the managers and VPs to ensure that equality is by turning the bathroom into a translucent carousel spectacle of visible bathroom activity.

On a related note, please discontinue all use of the Internet for emails to family and friends.

1/12/15


From: Management
To: Staff
Re: VPs are real people

In response to queries from the staff, we must clarify that the vice presidents are not email bots that reply all to the company and make unreasonable demands about expediting projects that might not be real.

The VPs and managers are hardworking, actual people. They are on the road a lot and are definitely taking the initiative. But part of them taking the initiative is relying on you to take your initiative. So please, stop questioning the emails you have been receiving and reorient for performance with your task groups.

End Email.

1/14/15


From: Management
To: Staff
Re: New Seating Arrangement

<EMAIL>

Greater efficiency can be achieved by increasing staff density and exposure. Please relocate all desks and appliances towards the central "creativity focus" of the floor plan. Desks should be touching and, where possible, piled on top of other desks. If assembled carefully, the resulting teamwork nodule should be roughly spherical and with no walls or other inhibitions to groupsourcing our solutions.

Also we have been monitoring your mouse clicks and some of you are using a triple click to open documents. This is unnecessary and results in up to 6,000 extraneous clicks per day.

</EMAIL>

– Management (@sexyfacts4u)

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