Hey guys, hope you're all doing good. Before I get started on the column today I just thought I would give you all a quick update on my life. I have been working on a sweet Greyhawk (D20, ugh, I know) campaign for me and Keith and a couple of buds from work to play, but Keith's wife caught Lupus so it may be a while before we can play it. I laughed when he told me, because I thought Lupus was made up, but it turns out it's real and sucks pretty bad. So let's all hope Sheila gets better so that we can get that D&D campaign fired up.
Alrighty, today I wanted to share an idea I've had kicking around my head for a while. When I did my fantasy art critiques a lot of people emailed me and said they liked it, but a lot also said it sucked and that fantasy stuff was gay. First of all, I don't like to use gay as a pejorative term, because I think that's racist and second of all, fantasy is not gay. But, to cater to those of you who seem to think barbarians, dragons and painting owlbear figurines are all gay I have a really non-gay column for you.
It's called "Steve's Hottest Babe Moments of Sci-Fi." Basically, I watch a lot of science fiction movies and TV shows and I went through and I picked out the hottest moments involving babes. The might be regular babes, robot babes, alien babes or even hologram babes. You're just going to have to read the column and find out what I picked.
The Decontamination Chamber (Pilot Episode of Star Trek: Enterprise)
In the two-hour pilot episode of "Star Trek: Enterprise," Commander Tucker and Vulcan uberbabe T'Pol catch protocystian spores while they are on Rigel X. This is a very dangerous condition, I guess, so they have to spend a long time in the decontamination chamber. It's basically like this big hospital room, only you have to be naked and you have to rub lotion on each other. When Commander Tucker has to rub lotion on T'Pol I was freaking out, because my mom was in the room and I was hoisting big time timber. She has those big lips like Angelina Jolie and also super hot boobs. Even when she isn't naked on the show they have her wear this special uniform that no one else has to wear that looks like my grandma's wallpaper and is so tight you can lip read when she sits down.
Seriously, this show was crappy and had the dude from Quantum Leap and whole episodes about farting dogs. It just generally sucked, but I still watched the whole first season of it because holy crap was that Vulcan babe hot. Then I turned on the second season and they were time traveling everywhere and then I turned on the last season and they were fighting Nazis. So yeah, pretty much your standard Star Trek experience.
Dude Looks Like a Lady is Kissin' a Lady ("Rejoined" Episode of Deep Space 9)
Deep Space 9 was pretty good for Star Trek, but it was always too complicated. Sort of like Babylon 5 but with Hawk from Spencer for Hire as the captain instead of Scarecrow from Scarecrow and Mrs. King. One thing I remember is that there was a pretty hot chick on the show that was like a woman who got body snatched by an alien. So she was like this dude who used to be friends with Hawk, but in a hot babe's body.
Well, one episode the hot babe (with the alien dude inside) met up with another hot babe that I think used to have an alien inside. Either way they both had the little brown tribal tattoos on their heads that meant they were the kind of hot babes that got body snatched. So, anyway, the hot babe named Dax who was on the show all the time just couldn't take it anymore and she started totally making out with this other hot babe. I mean boom, right there, but technically it wasn't lesbian because the thing inside Dax was a dude so kissing the lady wasn't gay. But, wait, then Dax married Worf later on in the series so was that gay? Like I said, too complicated for me.
Neo and Trinity Have Sex at a Rave (The Matrix: Reloaded)
A lot of people were disappointed with Matrix: Reloaded and I was sort of disappointed at first too. Then I realized that you will never be able to have a surprise as cool and deep as in the Matrix again. I mean, holy crap, the world is just a computer game and we're all flesh batteries for robots? What if that's really happening? We'd never know! But once you know that you just have to accept that the Matrix is going to be a sweet action movie with kung fu, dodging bullets and hot babes. Monica Belluci is definitely the hottest babe in the Matrix movies, but after all the sexual tension that built up between Neo and Trinity in the first Matrix it was really awesome to see them finally get it on in Matrix: Reloaded.
The way they did it was really hot too. The robots are winning this huge war against mankind and mankind might die at any second and then all of the people in Zion just put on their see-through shirts and start freaking having a party. You know why? Because robots can't party.
So Trinity and Neo run away from the party and start totally getting their swerve on. You can't tell who is who and it looks like they are having sex inside a nook at Yoda's little miniature hut or a pizza oven, which are both pretty revolutionary places to do it. It's just hot and sort of reminds me of the hot sex scene in that sniper movie where the guy from the Abyss gets shot in the eye. Meanwhile there is this giant rave going on that is like a rap video big-bootie party combined with a deodorant commercial inside a cave. And everybody's wearing those see-through shirts, which is pretty awesome because if you're fighting a war against robots you've got to have your priorities straight. No time to make your shirts opaque.
Ripley's PJs (Alien)
Aliens was better than Alien, but when you look back on it Alien was a pretty solid movie. It had the police chief from Homicide: Life on the Streets, the dude from Privateer 2: The Darkening cutscenes (but not the guy who was King Arthur in the King Arthur movie) and the bad guy from Big Love. That's kind of funny too because Hudson, from Aliens, is also in Big Love, so I bet on the set they talk about how they both got killed by an alien. Then they lower their voices and talk about how the one wife sucked a knob on film in a movie with that dirty guy from Buffalo 66.
Okay, hang on, I got way off topic on that one. Sorry about that. The hot scene in Alien comes at you totally from left field, because through the whole movie Ripley looks like she should be fixing a car. Then, after fighting off this alien all through the movie, she thinks the alien is gone (it's not) and she takes off her ugly clothes and she has like silk underpants and a silk night gown on underneath. And you're just like whoa, hold up, hell yeah. But the totally crazy thing is that her underpants are so small I didn't even know what was going on the first time I saw the movie.
I thought something went wrong or it had something to do with the alien. Like her underpants actually look like a Kleenex just taped to the very bottom of her butt. She was wearing that the whole time she was fighting the alien? But then I watched the movie again a couple months ago and I was like, "holy crap, I did not just dream this part, it really is in there." It's not only hot, but it also makes you think. It's about the tenderness of a woman inside the hard exterior. Like, even though she fought off this giant alien with acid for blood, and she's a bad ass on a space ship, she's still a soft girl deep down.
Costume Design by Space Tiger (Star Wars: Attack of the Clones)
Okay, this one should need no explaining. One of the greatest movies of all time and one of the hottest babes of all time. Natalie Portman is chained to a big pillar in a skin-tight white suit. She's writhing around grunting and then this freaking space tiger attacks her and slashes her shirt right over her abs. It's a perfect belly shirt, courtesy of the space tiger. Then the whole rest of the scene in the big arena area she's running around and, I mean, damn. Damn. Her stomach looks like you could crack eggs on it. Plus the space tiger went all the way around, so it kind of emphasizes her tight butt too when she's wiggling all over the place shooting lasers.
Now, I realize I may catch some crap for this one, because it's not a specifically sexy scene, but sometimes a hot costume and a hot woman is all it takes. Honorable mentions goes to many other Star Wars babes, especially all of the Twi'lek babes who just seem to get hotter every single Star Wars movie (not going in canon sequence, of course).
The Fifth Element is Boners (The Fifth Element)
One of my all-time favorite movies is definitely the Fifth Element, because it teaches us a lot about how love can overcome a big evil sun with a skull on it. It also teaches us about how annoying Chris Tucker is, but if you didn't know that before this movie then that's a shame. The guy single-handedly ruined Jackie Chan's career. Anyway, the main chick in this movie is the chick from Resident Evil and Ultraviolet. She looks way hotter in this movie though, with her Ronald McDonald hair and her sweet futuristic outfit that has like 20 different parts but still manages to let her be scantily clad.
The real hot moment, though, is when they first clone her from a dead bug's arm. They scan it into their computer and then the computer shoots out a skeleton and then guts and meat. Then when the smoke clears there is this totally naked babe there. I mean, she's not super-stacked, but she is hot. Then, for clothes, they dress her in belts. They turned a bug's severed arm into a hot chick dressed in belts? Sign me up for that future.
Think about this: the chick in Fifth Element was so hot in the movie that the director married her. That would be like William Shatner marrying Spock after Star Trek V: The Final Frontier or after Return of the Jedi, George Lucas marrying the three dudes who ran the Jabba the Hutt puppet.
Aliens Hate Diabetes (Species)
If there was such a thing as pornography designed specifically for nerds, and I mean not anime pornography, then Species is that pornography. You've got Natasha Henstridge as the alien babe, her alien look was designed by nerd porno painter H.R. Geiger and she is pretty much naked for the entire movie. Not to mention, she spends the whole movie looking for a dude to have sex with and who does she finally hook up with? The fat guy from Spiderman 2. Doctor freaking Octopus gets to do it hardcore with Natasha Henstridge and yeah, he dies, but what a way to go!
That's not the hottest part in this movie though. In the first Species, at least, it's when the alien babe hooks up with this rich dude and goes back to his place. She is all hot and sexy looking and they're making out and stuff. Then she goes to the bathroom for something and she sees he has diabetes! Apparently aliens hate that crap, so she goes back out there and tries to leave. But Wilford Brimley won't take no for an answer, so she acts like she's going to go along with him and she shows off her hot boobs, but you know something bad is going to happen. They start making out again and she's looking hot, then she grabs the guy's head and blasts her freaking spiked tongue through his skull. It's like a reverse money shot or something!
Dizzy Topless (Starship Troopers)
One of the most underrated movies of the 1990s is definitely Starship Troopers. It has everything you could possibly want from a movie. It's hilarious with Doogie Hauser as Hitler and a bunch of Robocop style commercials, it's packed with tons of action and spaceships exploding and it is overflowing with hot babes. The hottest babe is easily Denise Richards, who is so hot it almost makes me cry that she doesn't get topless in the movie. I got over it when Charlie Sheen pressured her into posing for Playboy and I saw that her nipples are too big.
No, the hot scene in this bad boy is when Dizzy, the chick with the frizzy hair, knocks boots in a tent with the dude from Omega Code. Part of the reason why the scene is so hot is that there is a big shower scene earlier in the movie. It started and I was like "awesome," but then I saw some of Jake Busey's pubic hair and all of the tits in the world couldn't fix that one. So when Dizzy finally takes off her top in the shower scene it was a total let down. Serious case of fried eggs.
But then somewhere between basic training and Klendathu she must have picked up a couple bags of saline if you know what I mean, because when she unsheathes those puppies they are looking tip-top.
Yo, Holy Crap, I'm a Girl Takin' a Bath (Strange Days)
I wanted to pick something different for the last one, so I'm going with the sex chips in the movie Strange Days. Not too many people saw this one, and it's kind of lame now because it takes place like ten years ago, but it has some super hot scenes in it. The basic plot of the movie is that the Nazi guy from Schindler's List is a sort of future drug dealer who sells these chips that make you experience what someone else experienced. There's also some crap with a murder that involves a rap star killed by cops and the chick from Red Shoe Diaries getting choked, which is ironic since I choked myself to her many times watching Showtime at 3 AM. Heh.
Anyway, the real hot stuff is in the different clips that the Nazi dude plays for people. Sometimes he's screwing the chick from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but the super duper hot one is this clip that this dude watches where he's like a babe with huge hooters and another babe is going to town on him. It's just so twisted it's mind blowing. Like the dude is standing there, fully clothed, rubbing his shirt and then they cut to what he sees and it looks like the video game Trespasser minus the heart tattoo and the shirt.
It's a good movie and it is worth it for the hot babe moments alone.
Alright, so, I know I missed some. I always miss some, but don't just go assuming I missed it because I didn't mention it. If you really and truly think I missed something, you can go ahead and email me about it.
Man, I can already sense people writing me about Barbarella, but can you guys seriously even make half-mast on that one still? I just imagine Ted Turner all red faced and sweaty laying on top of her. Plus, I heard she was a traitor. Like she told Saddam where our troops were or something really stupid.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.