You are a doctor and only have time to save one of the following insured patients. Who will you save?

  • A. A moderately successful juror/seminar attendee.
  • B. A scientist working the kinks out of robot sex technology (Pinbot, etc.).
  • C. An Internet comedy writer or a well-established child molester.
  • D. No one; take the heart, sell it down by the docks. Use the money to buy a bus ride to your probation officer’s house. That fucker squealed for the last time.

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

  • A. The often unseen but omnipresent household dog.
  • B. Dinosaurs. I want to be dinosaurs.
  • C. A cat in a large dog costume with hilarious shoes (ZANY).
  • D. A deer with a tragic past and a dark secret who’s a loose cannon with three days left until retirement and may be off the case. This fall, action has a new name: D.E.E.R.S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

What is your ultimate goal in life?

  • A. To hold a successful, multi-day yard sale.
  • B. To make laser-based excitement a daily occurrence.
  • C. To have at least an 80% success rate at shouting appropriate responses to movie trailers.
  • D. To be as healthy as John Belushi (present day John Belushi).


If anyone in your life understands you, it’s:

  • A. The small man who comes by to read the gas meter.
  • B. The math teacher with the aviator glasses who lets you call him by his first name.
  • C. The weird, unmarried uncle who keeps buying you MAD Magazine.
  • D. The EMT kind enough to inject adrenaline straight into your heart without asking incriminating questions such as, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

If you were a color, which one would you be?

  • A. Off-white, or the color of slacks.
  • B. The forgiving shade of basement grey.
  • C. Dayglo.
  • D. It doesn’t matter- all I see is pink ever since I sold my retinas for that bag of grass. It was actually grass. I’m an idiot.
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