WARNING: Please listen to this message because it is VERY IMPORTANT. My youth group camp leader, Andre, heard from Robbie (his friend) that this is TRUE. This guy, a guy Robbie knew from school, was at the Kroger’s to buy some t*@#et paper. When he got up to the counter, there was a guy working there who was in a turban, wizard robes, the whole thing. His name tag said “Muhammod” and he was of the Arab ethnic background (not that it matters, he didn’t even notice until later).

After he bought his stuff, Muhammod says, “thank you for your loyal patronage, since you are my best customer I will tell you a secret: do not use the highest setting on your toaster oven after September thirty first. Just do not do it, I can’t tell you why, they will kill me if I tell anyone, but please, I beg of you, do not do it. Don’t tell anybody, though, because it’s a secret and they will know I told and they will cut my hands off, for it is the law of Oller.” So the moral of the story is that he took his dog to the vet and the dude is like, “this isn’t a dog at all, even, it’s a giant Mexican rat… and it has AIDS. Welcome to the world of AIDS.”

GOD BLESS AMERICA NETWORK presents this URGENT bulletin: illegal immigrants pouring over our Freedom Fence: the answer? The liberals say “trigger locks,” we say “cold dead hands.” MEXICAN MACHETE RAPE GANGS move northward towardMontana, claiming child victim #31. Don’t look in the papers for this one, fellas: Big Jewey needs Mexicans for cheap labor, so the media blackout of their barbosity continues! Call us crazy for stockpiling skulls full of blasting caps?

Crazy like an EAGLE soaring, God BlessAmerica! And more proof that the surge is working!? Consider this: GOD BLESS AMERICA NETWORK stormtrooper Jesse Blake apprehended a Moslem in a local convenience store. After extensive HUMANE waterboarding, Al-Qaeda Sam cracked: “I thank you for your humane and effective interrogation. Voluntarily, I submit this information: tell your brothers in Christ not to toast their toast on the ‘top brown’ setting after Labor Day. I renounce my Arabic customs; God BlessAmerica.”

Caught this monologue by 60 Minutes personality Andy Rooney the other day, and I thought I’d pass it along. True wisdom from a real gem of the American screen, and a timely statement aboutAmerica’s changing values:

You’re probably sick of hearing these words: “Back in my day.” Well, I’ll tell you, I had a day, and it was a fine day back then. Forgive me if I reminisce once in a while. Pardon me if I get nostalgic for one of the greatest times in American history. Back in My Day, things were different.

Back in My Day, you could understand the words in songs, and they were beautiful. I’ll never forget dancing with Gene Kelly to “Dishpan Hands,” and I’ll never forget the wonderful lyric by Hoagie Carmichael. Nobody will.

Back in My Day, kids left school with an education. Every kid inAmericahad Ivanhoe memorized back to front. These days, you’re lucky if a high school graduate can get your breakfast order right.

Back in My Day, 50 cents bought a heck of a lot. Coffee, two eggs, potatoes and gravy, a cigar, and enough change left over for a shoeshine and a good lay. Nowadays, go to a prostitute with 50 cents and all you’ll get out of her is a dirty look.

Back in My Day, a black boy knew to take his hat off when addressing his betters. That was before rap music. Can you imagine it?

Back in My Day, grocery stores were a part of the community. The service was friendly and the clerks were white. Nowadays, you can’t walk two feet in a grocery store without some mystic of Far Araby telling you what you can and can’t do with your toaster.

Big words from a small man!

I am not usually one to grind the rumor mill, but this one is too important to miss!!! My nana’s nurse was at the grocery store buying evaporated milk for blind kittens. The woman in front of nana’s nurse in line was paying with change, and seemed to be having quite some difficulty with the arithmetic involved in counting the money. I am not racist but I will point out that the woman just so happened to be of the Arabian persuasion. My nana’s nurse, not wanting the line to be held up when the pattering heartbeats of blind kittens were dwindling evermore by the moment, went up to the woman and helped her with the simple task of adding her change.

After my nana’s nurse had bought the evaporated milk, she went outside to find that the Middle Eastern woman was waiting for her. She came up to M. N’s. N. and said, “my barbarian god wishes to repay your kindness, so heed my warning: do not use the ‘top brown’ setting on your toaster oven after September 31st or you and your loved ones will be dead.” Kittens are fine BTW and sight is recovered in most cases due to miracles.

I hesitate to relate this rumor because I never believe these things, but this is too important. Better safe than sorry. As an educated man, I would like to preface my rumor by saying that Islam is the religion of peace, and the acts of a few radicals should never be used to judge anything. So: a friend of a friend was at a convenience store recently, and he came across a man being harassed by some kind of a skinhead thug.

The thug had cornered the employee and was squirting water on him out of a water bottle’s nozzle, demanding some kind of information. The man being harassed was, not that it’s any of your business, of a Middle-Easterly bearing (which does NOT automatically make him a terrorist or anything else). My friend’s friend politely asked the skinhead to leave, and the situation was resolved amicably with the skinhead agreeing to stop stockpiling explosives for the oncoming race war and instead attend a sensitivity seminar.

After they exchanged phone numbers and shared hugs, the man of celebrated Arabic heritage pulled my friend aside and said, “you have committed a fine justice, friend, and for this my people repay you: do not use the ‘top brown’ setting on your toaster oven after the end of this month.” Please consider the gravity of this warning.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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