0 - 20 Minutes of Beating: Stone Pusher

The weakest members of our SLAVE program will be pushing around the thousands upon thousands of enormous stone blocks which make up the very foundation (No pun intended!) of PharaohTech. And, while this may seem like an unexciting career decision, we're happy to state that you have no say in the matter! However, you are an important part of PharaohTech, and we value your life, as a dead SLAVE is a non-working SLAVE, and a non-working SLAVE isn't working. And that doesn't work for us! This is why we've instituted the TutUncommon Rewards® program, to keep our SLAVEs motivated, and only mostly hopeless. Here's how it breaks down:

Stone blocks pushed/dayTutUncommon Reward®
1000light whipping
2000light whipping
3000light whipping
8000death from exhaustion
Mountains Movedonly the pharaoh can move the mountains; kill yourself for this blasphemy, infidel

Please note that those who do not push enough blocks to meet the criteria for the TutUncommon Rewards® program will receive the standard daily heavy whipping. That's the PharaohTech difference.

Sammy the Snakepit sez: "Stealing venom is a crime!" Please note that the real snake pit does not contain any chocolate. Well, maybe at the bottom.21 Minutes - 3 Days of Beating: Snake Handler

Handling over 20 minutes of savage beatings by our trained Beatologists proves that you're up to snuff for the next level of PharaohTech's corporate pyramid (No pun intended!). Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that you are immune to venom, so we suggest that you just "roll with the punches" as one of PharaohTech's many snake handlers. As a snake handler, it's your job to install the thousands of snakes which are meant to protect the various jars of our Great Pharaoh when he is taken into the afterlife within the next 50 - 70 years (please note that the jars will be missing until this period). These serpents will also protect our Great Pharaoh's stuff, which he will need to furnish his studio apartment in the afterlife.

Snake Handler F.A.Q

Where can I find the snakes and what do I do with them?

All snakes are located in the giant snake pit, which can be found by following the sounds of hissing, writhing flesh, and oppression. Once retrieved from the snake pit, all snakes must be placed within the snake deposit cubbies located in various areas inside the tomb. If you cannot find the snake deposit cubbies, please ask one of the many large, armed, violent men that kick you. (Note: All snakes must be gathered with your bare arms; Snake Sacks were eliminated to help fund our research department's development of the Gilded Wife)

I have been bitten by a snake!

This is not a question. Please note that all venom belongs to PharaohTech and its parent company, Sun God Enterprises. Should you get bitten, please try and remove all venom from your bloodstream. Venom can be forced back into the mouth entrance of the snake, but remember that this may result in more bites, and an extension of the venom retrieval/resubmission process. Before dying, drag yourself to a lighted corridor so your corpse may be thrown into the giant snake pit, a fitting end for a venom thief such as yourself. We defile the corpses of our employees. That's the PharaohTech difference.

We're pretty sure this is one of our gods. Whatever it is, you're pissing it off.More than 3 Days of Beating: Pharaoh Phriend®

We congratulate all of those who can withstand the almighty judgment of the Conversation Parlor, and as a reward for allowing your body to be brutalized in such a fashion that you are no longer recognizable as a human, we welcome you into the Pharaoh Phriend® program! Being a Pharaoh Phriend® entails more than just allowing your bones to slowly knit back together on a cold stone floor after we slide your mangled body down into the burial chamber. A Pharaoh Phriend® lives his life as a human cavefish, grasping around in total darkness, looking for some kind of warmth, as he waits for the decades it may take for our Great Pharaoh to perish. And if this doesn't sell you on being a Pharaoh Phriend®, just think of all the fun you'll have helping our Great Pharaoh move his furniture in the afterlife, and what a treat it will be to have the gods use you as their eternal torture puppet, dancing in flame which burns but does not consume for their immortal joy! We look out for the gods first. That's the PharaohTech difference.

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend!

Not at PharaohTech, they're not. Here at PharaohTech, the weekend has been replaced with the double-weekday, a two-day orgy of violence where work is enforced by fire and bloodletting, and the living envy the dead. You'll find the regular weekdays a nice five-day break after the sheer madness and abject terror of the double-weekday. Some days we torture more than others. That's the PharaohTech difference.

We Care About YOU!

And by YOU, we mean "The Great Pharaoh." We apologize for the brief bit of hope that you may have gotten, but our typesetter is new. Yet, while we don't care about you, we would rather have you alive than dead, unless you are weak, old, have an attitude problem, smell, or resemble people from our childhood that we at PharaohTech didn't like. And should you be part of this 5%, you also have to have a strong back. So, it's safe to say that we would rather have a good 2% of you alive than dead. If you happen to be one of the other 98% that we value less than camel dung, and your spirit isn't broken to the point where all of your emotions are dead and you view life outside of captivity as a completely abstract concept, just remember: a SLAVE is forever, and escape is impossible.

And that's the PharaohTech difference. It should have been clear by this point.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.