Lifehack: if you put together the grids of every 2013 NY Times crossword puzzle, you get the QR code for Will Shortz's secret hentai website- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 2, 2013
today I made a new friend. It's a pizza- elle (@elleoreid) July 1, 2013
*slams empty 40oz of Activia down on the counter* BARTENDER- Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) July 1, 2013
"dont be afraid to let your body die" - debbie harry at the end of videodrome/me to my neighbors fat shithead son thru a hole in the fence- BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 1, 2013
It's cool how you can say shit like "dubstep isnt real music" on twitter and then *poof* you have something to do for a while- #(52,)3( (@Cryptoterra) June 30, 2013
i can tell how beautiful a man`s soul is by putting both of my hands on the hood of his car and thrashing my neck around to awaken god- wint (@dril) June 30, 2013
watching the episode of blue planet about deep sea creatures and I just keep saying 'get the fuck out of here' @ every new weird ass fish- Dillinger Four Loko (@pete_c_) June 29, 2013
went to the doctors for a physical and he looked at me and said "way too much pizza" and wrote me a prescription for a c-cup bra- ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) June 29, 2013
Just met a guy named Harley who didn't think his name or the motorcycle revving noises I made were nearly as hilarious as I did.- Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) June 28, 2013
i got some CHOICEY cusses primed up for when shit doesnt go down how i like it at the buffalo wild wings tonight- dumpster meat (@grifteezy) June 28, 2013
i'm done sweating but will again in the future, if i think about sports or see a titty- BRASNON (@bransonbranson) June 28, 2013
EMILY JUST CALLED A GUY NAMED RICHARD LORD AND HE GOES BY "DICK LORD." THIS IS NOT A DRILL, NOT A DREAM, NOT A WHAT-IF STORY- Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) June 28, 2013
�ãã< ´e �� < �|��� 6 e����< � * _ *) ����� 5 5 excuse me haters??? - David Thorpe (@Arr) June 28, 2013
Don't sweat on Tom Petty's stuff.- Daniel Valle Duarte (@OhDuarte) June 27, 2013
I'm in one of those towns where "this is an iPhone 5" is a decent pick-up line.- Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 26, 2013
im going to put my crocs on now and go outside, since i actually have a life. [puts on crocs and stands on the deck looking in at computer]- Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) June 25, 2013
I mean, all those hot babes in the Playboy mansion are sometimes taking huge shits in there and farting.- Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) June 25, 2013
I can't believe it's been four years since a total stranger walked up to me at my job and said, "Hey, Michael Jackson died."- Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 25, 2013
Today is so hot that it's not returning my text messages.- Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 25, 2013
*spends eight hours working up the courage to buy the bic lighter with the ass on it*- hi guys (@spaceship_earth) June 25, 2013
Lesson 1: I How to tell if I want to talk to you on facebook chat. Answer: I do not want to talk to you on Facebook chat.- emily faye (@emilyfaye2) June 25, 2013
pretty sick of having the best calves anywhere anytime- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 24, 2013
Hey everybody ! No biggie, I'm just a husky drunk dad at a restaurant bar by myself typing on my phone like I'm texting someone- mike c (@DinkMagic) June 25, 2013
i like pokemon because i like to dig around in trash cans and go into houses with no invite and loiter a lot- dummy (@elzw) June 24, 2013
*googles "hot guy drinking wine"* *switches back to okcupid photo upload tab*- bobo (@thrillbo) June 23, 2013
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden- Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) June 23, 2013
me and my boys gathering around a boulder during the supermoon. we r going to beat the shit out of it. this is the only night it's possible- World Class Lover (@bIoach) June 23, 2013
< DOGS <- Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) June 22, 2013
I'll ask for a plastic cup for water at a fast food place and I'll put Sprite in that shit I don't even care.- david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) June 21, 2013
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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