Thank you shrek— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) November 17, 2013
It's great being among my fellow jocks here on Twitter. Although at times some of you sound... almost like nerds...— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) November 17, 2013
was having a great day and then I saw a man with a little ponytail :(— Andy Levy (@andylevy) November 16, 2013
Watching men eagerly embarrass themselves when a woman posts a selfie on Instagram is my favorite sport.— Adrienne (@adrienneMTK) November 16, 2013
Giving my wife a crash course in cybergoth after she told me one of her coworkers spends a lot of time stomping around to this jibber jabber— A Magical Corpse (@Dead_Wizard) November 16, 2013
What's that? Stop saying "fifty dollar bill" like Data from Goonies? That's like asking the moon to stop being a pervert.— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) November 16, 2013
my roommate wants to make me a vest with habitrail tubes etc attached so that I can wear my hamsters out places— lauren (@catches_stars) November 16, 2013
Why did god not put me in a relationship w a wrestler to whom I could say "one mans traps are another mans pleasure"— Greg (@weedguy420boner) November 16, 2013
Jeez, Alec Baldwin, at least when Eminem calls someone a "cocksucking fag" he's forced to rhyme it with "Oh wow, there's a bag" or whatever.— billy eichner (@billyeichner) November 15, 2013
@webmd I suspect it has actually been food coming out of my butt hole in shit form this entire time. my apologies to your staff on the posts— Michael Hale (@dogboner) November 15, 2013
#PS4 tell your momma to give me a kiss you stupid sons of bitches. while your playin those dumb games i'm getting married to your mom.— The Houston Pooper (@Perfect_Beanis) November 15, 2013
"This new generation of consoles is absolute bollocks mate. its a bit shite innit "-- british guy who has opinions about videogames— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) November 15, 2013
is everything Location— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 15, 2013
if you bring a blacklight into your average hotel you'll be disgusted by how women shoot their breast milk all over the blankets and walls— deg (@degg) November 14, 2013
would like a surgery to get a fully functioning tail that i could wrap around my thing and jack it while i kick back in a chair.— Craig (@girl_liker) November 14, 2013
people who get really into self-identifying as "pastafarians" seem to have missed the point? also they are garbage people— milt ronmey (@someofmybest) November 14, 2013
[waves at a guy on the street and he waves back] "fucking second wave poser"— Mr. Low T (@gewqk) November 14, 2013
someone is showing me what battlefield 4 looks like and i hope that i die of alcohol poisioning— hazle weatherfield (@genericsoda) November 14, 2013
Ah dammit my penis is all clogged from eating too much chicken— Duke LongMemo (@dukelongboard) November 14, 2013
Andy Kaufman faked his death? Big deal! I faked my entire life.— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) November 14, 2013
A doctor saved a life in the time it took me to photograph my cat wearing sunglasses.— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) November 14, 2013
In "Sex Motorcycle 2: The Gathering" HornyManTravis has to retrieve the 50 shards of his motorcycle that the FBI scattered around the globe— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 13, 2013
pussy look like the eye of Sauron.— War Bitch (@tween_sensation) November 13, 2013
Is anyone @McDonalds right now I'm not— Brian (@beebee880) November 13, 2013
when im not jerking off im taking shits— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) November 13, 2013
I try to live my life as Jesus would, by drinking all day and eating nothing but sardines— DaveDittell69 (@davedittell) November 12, 2013
At 8:09:10 11/12/13 we will all find out who our least interesting friends are.— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) November 12, 2013
My only purpose on earth is to stain every white shirt I own.— molly (@Molly_Kats) November 12, 2013
This Three-Legged Dog Walked Into One Of The World's Most Dangerous Bars--And You Won't Believe Who He's Looking For— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) November 11, 2013
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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