Guides For Games I Haven't Played: Team Fortress 2

One Sentence Reviews

NHL 2K8
Aw, that one just barely ricocheted off the post. 7/10

NHL 08
GOOOAL! 9/10

Eternal Sonata
Chopin up enemies while progressin a truly unique story and lookin great doing it. 8/10

Skate
Using your thumb to control tricks instead of pressing a button is fantastic, but they need to tweak the settings because I can't grind the expanse of the Golden Gate bridge indefinitely while chaining a thousand kickflips and watching a meaningless score fill up the entire screen. 8/10

Fatal Inertia
Yeah, so when is the next Wipeout coming out? 5/10

Heavenly Sword
The main character's Predator hair is longer than the game itself, which isn't half bad if you exclude the bits with the worst trend in video games: timed button-pressing sequences. 7/10

MySims
Sort of like Animal Crossing, only without anything that makes Animal Crossing fun. 5/10

Carnival Games
Spending $50 at a real carnival to toss basketballs at bent hoops without winning anything will reproduce the exact same feeling that you get an hour after buying this game. 3/10

World In Conflict
I've been telling people for years that if World War III rolls around Alec Baldwin will be involved, and finally I have my vindication. 9/10

Anacapri
As exciting as grandma's photo album; in fact, I think it might be grandma's photo album. 1/10

Guild Wars: Eye Of The North
As a boy I spent much time in this snow fort. 8/10

Instinct
Eight years after its completion, a programmer comes across the final code for Instinct while organizing a pile of unlabeled discs and realizes he forgot to send it to the publisher. 1/10

The Sims 2: Bon Voyage
Fly your sims to new and exciting places where they can take half hour pisses and eat for hours at a time. 7/10

Monster Hunter Freedom 2
Would be a great game if they could just get that "fun combat" thing down. 6/10

Jam Sessions
Playing real guitar gets you the ladies, but playing a fake guitar on the DS gets you a multi-million dollar record contract. 6/10

The Settlers
Here's a strategy for anyone making strategy games: research the Tester technology so you can produce units that make sure your shitty game doesn't crash. 2/10

Donkey Kong Jungle Climber
The dudes from Ice Climbers have been available for years, but Nintendo chose to further the insensitive and racist notion that all gorillas climb well. 8/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)